to
by
F. C. Gilbert
(A Hebrew Christian)
An autobiography
Some paragraphs have been split for emphasis
1. To my friends and relatives I was as one dead. After I wrote to my dear mother telling her what I had done, the step I had taken, the peace and the joy which had come into my life, appealing to her as only a child could to a mother who cared for him for days, weeks, and months, by night as well as by day, because of pain and sickness, I never received a reply. I was informed some months after, by my brother, that my sister had written to him saying that my course had shortened my mother’s life ten years, and that neither she nor the rest of the family cared to hear from me any more, unless I would recant. There were some things I might do for her: to give up my faith and hope in Jesus, I could not do.
2. While I was poor in this world’s goods, and struggling hard to get along, I felt very happy in the love of Jesus; and the feeling was strongly growing upon me that I needed more preparation to better qualify me for the work of God. When I was converted, I not only felt that God had called me to His work, but was convinced that He had called me to the ministry, and that I was eventually to work for my own people. I realized, however, that there was need of a preparation, for God had always prepared his servants for their work. I therefore decided that whenever the way should open to do something for God, by His grace I would make that work a form of ministry.
(p119) 3. I felt a hungering for an education. I longed to go to school. I had many Christian brethren and friends, and I found them very dear to me. As I talked with them about my desire for an education, they all encouraged me to secure it, and I was determined that if it were the Lord’s will, I would have it. I had been unable to save much during the nine months of my colporteur work, but my needs had all been supplied. I found at the close of these months of labor that I had more health than when I began; I had more hope, more courage, more faith. Should I now not trust Him to help in this endeavor? He had promised to care for me.[1] He had thus far; He certainly would continue to as I walked in His way.
4. A friend lent me fifteen dollars, and with the few dollars I had from the last delivery of my books, I decided to spend one term in school at the South Lancaster Academy, South Lancaster, Massachusetts. I felt that with what knowledge I had of the Hebrew, if I could get one term of schooling in English, in addition to what I had, I should then be prepared to work for my brethren. The burden of laboring for my Jewish people never left me, and I always felt that the time would come when I should throw my life into that work.
5.I greatly enjoyed this one term at school, and at its close again took up the colporteur work. But that experience only created an appetite for more study, which seemed to me insatiable. I was more convinced than ever that I was not ready to do the work of the Lord, and I must receive further training. (p120) I had no money, it is true, but I had faith in God, and I felt sure that God would open the way for me. I had good success during my summer vacation, and at the opening of the school term in the fall of 1890 I was present on time. My health had greatly improved this second year, for the Lord was blessing me physically as well as spiritually. While I was not rugged, I was able to endure more hardship, and felt greatly relieved of pain. I knew that the Lord had rich blessings in store for me, if I would continually trust in Him.
6. Then the question arose in my mind, How can I secure means to pay for my schooling? The outlook did not appear very bright: but as the Lord opened the door I entered it. I managed to secure some work while in school; and with four and five studies, I found my hands, heart, and head were full. Everything did not move along smoothly. The devil was determined that I should not get an education, and he did all in his power to hinder it. Not having the money to pay all my way, many a night I went to bed hungry, but the Lord sustained me, and I was able to go through another day.
7. The way was opened for me to secure work in connection with our school laundry. So one day each week through the fall, winter, and spring, I would hang out from eight to thirteen hundred pieces of clothing. Sometimes the thermometer registered from five to fifteen degrees below zero, and the snow was from six to eighteen inches deep. Working outdoors in this condition for three, five, yes, seven and nine hours, would almost freeze my limbs, and I was obliged to stop work periodically to get thawed out. (p121) After my day’s work was done, I would often retire to my room, throw myself on the bed, and weep from the effects of the cold, and sometimes from the pain. It was at such times the devil would press me hard, and come to me like this:
This is the Christian religion. It is for work like this that you have cast aside your mother, your relatives, your friends, your people who would gladly do anything for you, if you had only remained a Jew. This is what you get for being a Christian. Had you not better discard the whole religion, and return to the religion of your fathers?
Leave Christianity! Leave Jesus! Leave all these blessings! Never, a thousand times no. It was easier to suffer cold, hunger, famine, and nakedness than to leave Jesus.[2] While the outward man might perish, the inward man was renewed day by day. The training I was now having was very precious to me, even though it was purchased by some hardships.
8. In the midst of these experiences I was happy, and it was true in my case, the path was growing more and more bright. I was enjoying myself in God. I was getting what my soul longed for — a better knowledge of how to work for Jesus. Still the devil decided that he would tempt me in some other way.
9. While at school I received a sad and pitiful letter from home. My dear mother, past sixty years of age, was in need of financial assistance. The rest of the family did not seem to help her, as most of them were in poor circumstances, and could I not do something to aid her? (p122) My eldest sister had died, and left five small children. The father of the children was unwilling to take care of them, and they were all brought to my mother for her to take care of. Here she was nearly threescore and ten, with five small children, and no one to help her take care of them. Could I not do something to help her and them?
Was my religion of the kind that was worth anything, when she was now in such great need?
10. At the receipt of this letter my heart sank within me. It was a pitiful epistle, and I realized what it must mean for my mother to be left in such a state. What to do I did not know. I knew the Lord had called me to attend school, and, though I had to work hard, He still opened the way for me to continue. Not to do something to assist mother would not be in harmony with the religion of Jesus. In my distress and perplexity, I went to the Lord and earnestly poured out my soul to Him. He had helped me so many times in the past that I was sure He would not leave me now. That blessed promise, “Fear thou not,” often came to my mind, and it always encouraged me.[3] To leave school now would mean that my education must be abandoned, and I could not receive the preparation for the work which I realized I must have. To remain in school seemed like denying my faith, and turning a deaf ear to the cry for help from my dear ones. I thought, too, if I could only help them now, it would prove to them that I did love them, and I was willing to do all that I could for them.
(p123) 11. With this burden on my soul, I went to God, and he was surely found of me. But His answer was very different from what I had expected; still I knew that He was leading me.
The Lord told me if I would stay right where I was and continue my school work, remaining right through till I had finished my course, He would make provision for my mother. He would see that the needs of the children were supplied. In addition to this, He promised me that I should be privileged some day to go home to London and see mother. This answer to prayer was a revelation to me. I could neither explain nor understand it. How could she be taken care of? Who would do it? I felt, however, that I must believe God, for I was certain this was His answer. So I continued my work.
It was a hard and trying experience to me, but I decided that, inasmuch as I had asked the Lord and He had answered me, I would believe what He said. I wish to say in passing that while this happened about eighteen years ago, God has fulfilled that promise to me. I have been to London to see my mother at two different times. Mother is still alive; and is enjoying good health at the ripe age of eighty-four. How blessed it is to trust in God, though we cannot always understand His ways! He still is the wonder-working God. (a)
12. I continued my school work for four and a half years, and was graduated in the spring of eighteen hundred ninety-four. While I had many trying experiences, while I suffered hunger as well as endured many deprivations to get a preparation, while I had to study whole nights, besides working hard by day, while I had gotten heavily in debt in order to get this education, while it seemed impossible at times for me to accomplish this task, the mighty God of Israel stood by my side, and helped me through it all. (p124) I felt amply repaid for all the effort, and was glad for the pleasure and privilege of being able to have some preparation for the blessed and glorious work of God.
13. The Lord raised up many tried and true friends during my school days. When at times it seemed as though I must stop my work, the providence of God would raise up some unexpected person or persons who became interested in me, till I should finish the work. One experience in particular was an assurance of answered prayer, and has always been an encouragement to me. During my junior year, my health partially failed, on account of exhausting and laborious work. A dear friend invited me to spend the summer in New York State, and take a rest. I appreciated the kindness extended, but thought what should I do next year, if I did not work hard during the summer to secure means to pay my way for the finishing year. I prayed earnestly to God, and sought counsel from my brethren; the way seemed clear for me to have a change for the season. I was still willing to trust the Lord.
14. I had some very precious seasons that summer, and the Lord was very good to me, despite all my mistakes and failings. I had the privilege of attending several camp-meetings, and it was at one of these camp-meetings in charge of that dear friend and man of God, the late Pastor S. H. Lane, that I received my first encouragement in doing public work.
(p125)15. The summer was fast drawing to a close, and it was within three weeks of the beginning of school. There was no money in sight, and I did not know where it was coming from. One day this friend came to me, and said “You may go to school this year and graduate; I shall be glad to assist you.” The blessed Lord surely answered prayer in a most remarkable way, and again I had the evidence of His leading.
EXPLANATORY NOTES.
PARAGRAPH 11 (a). — In chapter 14 is given an account of my visits home and the reconciliation with my mother and other relatives. — Through the kindness of a philanthropic friend, the author was permitted to make a third visit to his mother; and two years later, she passed away. Back