to
by
F. C. Gilbert
(A Hebrew Christian)
An autobiography
Some paragraphs have been split for emphasis
1. While I was being treated so kindly by these people, the thought had never come to my mind that I was wrong in my religion, and that Judaism could be superseded by anything better. The trouble with me, I felt, was that I was not living up to my religion as I should, and that if I could ever get to it, the thing for me to do was to fully live up to the religion of the Bible, Moses, and the prophets. It never had occurred to me that their religion was something I must have, though I frequently felt that if it were on the market, it would be a good thing to purchase.
2. I never had any convictions that I was a sinner, (a) and that I needed personally to have anything to do with this Jesus. I only felt that this Jesus was not so bad as people made him out to be, and that the Christian religion, as I saw it illustrated, was not so evil as I was taught in my early days.
3. Thus, after my health improved, I went to work, and did my work as usual. Once in a while it occurred to me that I should be a better man, for the Lord was good to me, and I ought to appreciate it. Occasionally I would go to the synagogue, and in this way seek to pay up some of my obligations. I would at times mingle with the Jews, and let them know that I was not entirely out of the fold. Still I was not yielding much to the influence of the gospel, as I did not think that there was anything there for me better than Judaism offered. (p87) One can realize but little how the influences of Judaism are indelibly impressed upon the mind of the Jewish child, and how hard they are to throw off, even when one begins to feel that there are some things which appear better. (b)
4. Soon I was taken down sick again. It seemed to me as though something serious would happen unless I changed my occupation and performed other labor where my health could improve. At times I would feel fairly well, at other times my health was miserable. I did not take the care of myself that I needed [to], as a result I never had six months’ good health at any one time till after I was twenty-two years of age.
5. I used to attend church occasionally with the people of the house, and their interest in my welfare grew. They did all they could to assist me, and they would welcome me at any time among their friends and church relations. While I did not hear very much of their preaching, what I did hear seemed in harmony with the Old Testament; that is, it seemed to me that it was the same kind of teaching that I learned in my own Old Testament. The reader must not be surprised to learn that the Jews do not think or believe that the Christians have the same Old Testament that the Jews do: for the Jews claim that the passages the Christians say refer to Jesus are not in the Jewish Bible, the missionaries have inserted these themselves. (c) So when I heard them quote from the Old Testament, it sounded very familiar. I still loved to hear the words of Moses and the prophets.
(p88) 6. Some of the young men who worked in the same shop sometimes asked me to attend their church, and occasionally I would do so. When I accepted their invitations, my impressions of Christianity waned. As I attended these other churches, I felt that there was a difference between even these Christians. That the reader may appreciate my meaning, I will here insert two illustrations:
7. One evening one of the young men asked me if I would attend a strawberry festival in the church. Of course I liked strawberries and cream and cake. I thought it would be the same to me to pay fifteen cents for it in a church as in any other place. I must confess that I never witnessed more hilarity in any place than was manifest during this occasion. It seemed as though all sense of morality was lost, and the people thought of nothing only of seeing how worldly they could behave. But the strange part of it all was, as I was about to leave, with several others, the preacher came and began to talk religion. He sought to impress us that we should belong to the church and be Christians. He went on for a while in this strain, until we had become thoroughly disgusted with the man and with his kind of Christianity.
8. I attended a Sunday-school in another church. I was told that they had a pleasant hour on Sunday afternoon, and a man who spoke well, and would I not like to go? Time usually hung heavily on my hands on Sunday, so I concluded I would spend an hour, and see what they did. Whether I was really getting interested in Christianity or not, I was not certain, but I thought it might not do harm, if it did not accomplish much good.
(p89) 9. After I had attended a few Sundays, the minister who taught the men’s Bible class said that the opportunity would be given for questions. Certain things had been stated in the class which were different from what I had been taught, and different from what I heard the other ministers preach where I occasionally attended. So I concluded to send in a written question, and hear what the preacher had to say. To my astonishment, as well as my disgust, he ridiculed the question, and said nothing about the Bible in reply. He just made fun of other beliefs, which to me were as Christian as was his belief. Thinking perhaps I did not fully understand his reply, I ventured to speak to the man personally. I was shocked at the way he talked to me. He gave me to understand that the religion of Christians now was different from what it used to be; there were many things in the Bible which were not essential now; that much of the Old Testament was not meant for people living in these times; that the people who taught the obligation of the law of God and truths kindred to it did not have much faith in Christ, and much more along this line. I must confess that when I left him, I had very little use for him, his church, or his religion.
10. Thus the reader will understand why it was that my impressions of the Christian religion weakened as I would attend different religious places, and it seemed to me that this whole thing must be a sort of Babel. It was a regular confusion. All would claim to be Christian; no two kinds agreed; every kind would seek to tear down the other kind; and they all had different views of the same thing. Yet when I would go to church with my friends, I would hear the blessed words of God which seemed to sound so good. (p90) Of course it had much of the Saviour in it, and the Old and the New Testaments seemed to be closely combined.
11. One thing about the family with whom I lived was very impressive; they lived their religion more than they talked it. To be sure they talked it at times, yet to me they said but little. They illustrated it. I could not appreciate this at the time, but their lives were indeed a living exposition of the Christian religion. For two years I had been with this family; they claimed to believe the Bible, and they acted it; they taught that Jesus was the Saviour of all men, and they showed their faith in this by following His example. They observed the Sabbath of the Lord, did not eat swine’s flesh, paid their tithes, and had a very different spirit from many others who called themselves Christians. At the same time, they claimed that in a little while they were going to see this same Jesus coming again in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Their treatment of me was unusually kind, and they showed such a great interest that it was beyond explanation. When they had their prayers, they used to pray for me, and it seemed as though I belonged to them. They wished me to have what they were enjoying. And God was indeed hearing their prayers.
12. One night after attending a meeting of the temperance society to which I belonged, I had bidden my friend good-night, and started to the house. Just as I turned a street corner, suddenly there came a peculiar haze over my vision, and it seemed as though I could scarcely see. (p91) The electric lights were all burning, and though I was not a great distance from a twelve-hundred-candle-power arc light, there seemed to be a sort of veil between me and it. Everything was hazy and blurred. A strange and peculiar feeling crept over me. What was happening I could neither explain nor understand. Not being able to see clearly, and having this strange feeling come upon me, I hardly knew what to do. There was no one in sight, as it was late at night. Suddenly a great fear came upon me, and I started to hurry to my room. I walked very fast, and was sure I heard somebody walk just as fast as I was walking. I heard the repetition of my steps. I felt terribly afraid, and knew not what to do. I finally decided to run, and ran with all my might. I heard these same steps going as rapidly as mine went. I was sure that some one was chasing me from behind, and I was being haunted from within.
13. I reached my room and locked the door. I could not sleep very well that night, yet could not explain what had happened. It was something new, and strange, and peculiar. No one had done anything to me, no one had been saying anything to me. Still a peculiar experience had come into my life that I could not comprehend. I said nothing in the morning, but went to work. God, however, was preparing me for what was coming, and the Holy Ghost had already begun the work. This I learned a little later.
14. The next day while at the dinner-table, the man of the house was telling me something about religion, and what people should do. He was rather talkative this day on religious subjects, and finally, turning to me, he said, “Fred, you ought to be a Christian,” and with this he stopped. (p92) No more needed to be said. I soon left the table and went to my work. All that afternoon I heard nothing save, “You ought to be a Christian.” Everywhere I moved, every time I took my knife to cut the leather, from every one I met, I could hear the words, “You ought to be a Christian.” I had never read the New Testament, knew nothing of what was in it, only what I had heard of it occasionally; then some said it contained one thing, and some said another. Ought I to be a Christian? That was the question. I had been repeatedly told never to have anything to do with Christianity, and while I had already learned that it was not so bad as I supposed it to be, still it was nothing for me to accept, and what had I to do with it?
15. But this dear man had said to me, “You ought to be a Christian.” It was this man who was such a good man, whose life was so different from that of most other people that I had met, who was so kind and interested, and who had done for me all that a father could do. It was he who said, “You ought to be a Christian.” I could find no fault with him; I could see no inconsistencies in his religion. He believed in the Old Testament the same as I did, but he believed in the New also. He said that I ought to be a Christian. And how the Holy Ghost did drive that statement into my soul that afternoon and evening!
16. That evening I went to a class where there were some persons preparing to engage in Christian colporteur work. They all seemed happy, and were glad that they were going to distribute the word of God, to tell people about this Jesus who was coming again. (p93) Nearly all through the service, the words were ringing in my ears, “You ought to be a Christian,” and I could get no rest. I reached the house late that night. It being the little girl’s birthday, the children had a birthday party, and some of the refreshments were saved till I returned. I seated myself at the board at about ten twenty in the evening. It was a long extension table, circular at each end, and I sat at one end.
17. I had not been sitting there very long, when suddenly I was seized with a peculiar feeling. I was alone in the room, as the family had retired, save Mr. Fiske, and he was nowhere in sight. It seemed that some one was standing behind my chair and placing a load on my back. It was getting heavier and still heavier, and felt as though it would crush me. I could hardly move. Of a sudden I began to choke, and could not swallow the food. I knew not what it meant, and did not know what to say about it. Then, of a sudden, I saw on the other side of the lamp, which was about two feet distant from me on the table, four words written in letters of fire. The letters each seemed about four inches long, and they looked like gold. The words were, “YOU ARE A SINNER.” When I saw these words, a terrible feeling came upon me. What could I do? What did it mean? Here was a presentation without any hand writing it, and no one seeing it or knowing anything about it but myself. I was a sinner, these words said, and I felt as though I was. I was terribly perplexed, and I had no one to help me.
18. Suddenly I heard a voice say to me, “Why do you not ask Mr. Fiske to pray with you?” (p94) As quickly as possible I called to him, and asked him if he would pray with me. I felt as though something must be done that I might get relief. We both went on our knees, this being the first time that I ever had bowed the knee in prayer. He prayed for me, and asked God to forgive my sins. When he had finished, I immediately felt that I wished to pray, and for the first time in my life I asked God in the name of Jesus to forgive me my sins. Oh the wonderful, the blessed, and the precious, peace that came into my soul! It seemed to me as though the very light of heaven was shining in that room, and the glory of God was manifest. I could clearly see that Jesus was my Saviour, that He was the One who died for my sins, that He was my own dear Friend, and that He had called me to be His child. What a wonderful flood of light and happiness came into my life! I had gotten a glimpse of Jesus Christ. God had indeed called me to Himself, I had found Jesus, and I found Him to be my own Messiah. I felt that I was transformed into a new world, that a new life had entered my being. The load was gone, and it seemed to me as though I could walk on air.
19. Oh what a wonderful thing it was to have Jesus come into the heart! This same blessed Jesus, that I was taught to hate, despise, scoff at, and ridicule, was really and truly the Messiah, the Son of the living God, the Holy One of Israel, and I had never known how good He was till now. Now he had forgiven my sins, taken away all the load of guilt from my soul, revealed Himself to me as He was, and called me to be one of His followers. It was blessed, blessed indeed! (p95) That night was a far different one from the preceeding, and I felt very happy, being
“Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe on His gentle breast;
There by His love o’ershaded,
Sweetly my soul doth rest.”
20. The next morning as soon as I awoke, I felt that I had entered into this new life, a new experience, a new purpose; yes, a new world. The first impression that came to me was that I must now leave the shoe business, and go and tell everybody about Jesus. All the people must know about this Christ, this wonderful and blessed Messiah, this beloved Son of the living God. As soon as I came into the dining-room, I said to the brother, and to all the family, that I had found Jesus. He had forgiven me my sins, and now I was going to sell my tools, leave the shop, and begin at once to proclaim these wonderful things about the Messiah. I felt as though every one would be only too glad to hear. I had not known about it all these years. I had been taught to hate the blessed Saviour, and I felt sure that when I told the people what Jesus had done for me, how He had led me through such a wonderful experience, every one would wish to accept Him, especially those of my Jewish brethren who had been through the same experience that I had been. I gave notice to the foreman that I was going to leave my position, as I was now going to tell the people about Jesus. Oh I was so happy, for I had found the Pearl of Great Price!
21. It was not very long before the men in the factory learned that I had become a Christian, and to let that be known in a shoe shop is to be prepared for a hard and terrible experience. It did not make any difference to me; for I had found Christ; that was all I wanted. (p96) This blessed knowledge was more than all else; I felt that I could endure anything for this dear Jesus.
22. The idea of persecution or tribulation or anything of that character never entered my mind, as the Lord doubtless kept that away from me at that time. He just filled my soul to overflowing, and impressed me deeply that this Jesus with whom I had become acquainted, who had revealed Himself to me as the Christ, was truly the Messiah, and my only hope, — the same One I had been hating all these years.
23. The next Sabbath I left my work, and observed the day as holy unto the Lord. How different it seemed to me from the Sabbaths that I had observed when a boy and a young man. Before, I kept it because I was taught to do so, because I was told that the Bible said so, because it was handed down from my ancestors to my people throughout the centuries. Now, I kept it because Jesus was in the Sabbath. Jesus, the Messiah, was the Creator as well as the Saviour; now it was doubly holy. It was not only a memorial of Creation, it was also a memorial of redemption. How precious its holy hours seemed, and what blessed peace was flooding my soul!
24. One of my first desires when I became a Christian was to know what was in the New Testament. As I have previously stated I knew nothing of it, having never read its teachings. I was now hungry for its knowledge. I immediately began to study, and to compare it with the Old Testament, and what a flood of light poured into my soul! (p97) I could indeed appreciate the truthfulness of the words of the apostle Paul when he said that blindness had happened to Israel, that a great veil was upon their hearts which blinded their minds. When that veil, however, was removed, and the heart turned to the Lord, they would see clearly the meaning of Moses and the prophets, and Jesus Christ would be the one absorbing, central figure.[1] I could scarcely leave the book alone. I wanted to devour it. It seemed like such a precious treasure to me. This book that I had been forbidden to touch for these many years was what I had always needed to open my eyes and to give me the true understanding.[2]
25. For many years prior to this time, I had done little studying, even in the Old Testament. While I still believed that it was the word of God, I took little time to read it. As soon as I began to read and study the Old Testament in conjunction with the New, many things which had puzzled me when a boy were made clear to my mind. I had found the true light, and there was no doubting it.[3]
26. Much as I was ashamed before my conversion of being a Jew, now I was very glad that I had been a Jew, and that Jesus Christ could indeed convert a Jew. I felt now that I wished to tell every one that Jesus was my Saviour, that I had been a sinful Jew, a Christ hater. Now He had revealed Himself to me, and had shown me that He was able to save even me. I at once confessed to the people of the house that I had hidden my religion from them for these two years, and that I had been reared a Jew. (p98) They informed me that they had concluded this from my association with them, and they seemed very happy, with me, for what the Lord had done for my soul.
EXPLANATORY NOTES.
paragraph 2 (a). — It is seldom that a Jew will admit that he is a sinner. It is written in the “Ethics of the Fathers,” “All Israel shall have a part in the world to come, for it is written, ‘And all thy people shall be righteous.’ ” From this the rabbis have concluded that God’s love for Israel is so great that somehow He will see that they are all saved in the kingdom, if they do not commit any serious outward offences. The rabbis have taught that sin is an overt act, and it has nothing to do with the inward conduct. This is doubtless why the Saviour had the experiences with the Jews that He had along the lines of the teaching of the law. See Matthew 5:19-37. Back
paragraph 3 (b). — It is a common saying among the Jews, “ If a man is born a Jew, he must die a Jew.” They say that some time a man will repent of his evil course, if he leaves the fold of Judaism, because it is ordained that man must die in the faith of his fathers. Back
paragraph 5 (c). — The Jews claim that nowhere in the Old Testament does the Bible say anything of Jesus or of His death and crucifixion. I well remember one evening, while speaking with a Jew about the death of the Saviour, I mentioned the fact that the Old Testament spoke of Christ’s being pierced. He refused to admit that there was such a statement. I turned to the prophet Zechariah, and there showed him from the twelfth chapter and tenth verse that it plainly states, “They shall look upon me whom they have pierced.” The Jew immediately said there was no such verse in the Bible, but the missionaries doctored the Bible up to suit themselves, so that their ideas of the prophecies might fit. Back