Forgiveness is All

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By Beth Muramoto

Spike was sitting alone in Buffy's basement, allowing his thoughts to wander. It had been months since finally defeating the trigger that had been causing him to kill on cue for the First. Though he didn't like the Principal because he had tried to kill him and that he had expressed a romantic interest in Buffy, he couldn't blame him for his hate. He had killed his mother, a slayer, no less. It was just another reminder of his bloodied past. Repercussions from his actions would continue to haunt him for as long as he lived. Still, through the Principal's vengeance, he was finally able to put his own mother's ghost to rest and defeat the trigger. All for the good as Buffy would say.

He suddenly heard someone coming down the stairs. He could tell by the scent it was Dawn.

He hadn't talked to Dawn since he came back from the demon trials. Her last and only words to him were to tell him that if he ever hurt Buffy again, she would set him on fire as he slept. At the time, he was still partially mad from returning with his soul, but the threat didn't go unnoticed and now, he could only respect her strength and protectiveness. Even though she knew that he could easily kill her, she wasn't afraid to threaten him. "Good for you, bit", he thought. Now suddenly she was coming to see him. Good thing he wasn't asleep.

Dawn stopped at the bottom of the stairs and hesitated for a second. Spike, at first, didn't know if he should speak, but decided to take the risk.

"Dawn, what are you doing here?" He asked. He didn't think he had the right to go back to calling her the little endearments that had become his trademarks for her. He felt she would have to give him permission to do that, just as anyone would have to invite him into their home.

"I…" She stuttered as she walked tentatively closer to him, "Are you okay again, Spike?"

Spike's eyes teared up a little looking at her. She couldn't decide whether to trust him or not and that hurt him more than he could say. Two years ago, she hadn't been afraid to befriend him, treated him like anyone else and had gone to him when she felt alone and isolated. It had changed from an annoyance to something he cherished.

"It's okay for you to not trust me…to never trust me again." Spike looked away from her for a second. "I don't know what else the First has in store for me so I can't tell you that I'm completely okay, completely safe, but know that the trigger is gone and for now, I'm my own man, or demon. As long as I am in control, I will never hurt you or Buffy or anyone else for that matter. Even if you can't believe that, I know that in my heart.

"I can't be sorry enough for what happened that night…Not only did it hurt Buffy, but it drove you away from me and I've mourned that loss ever since."

Dawn listened and her face softened with sympathy and a longing, a need to regain their friendship.

"I've missed you, Spike, " Dawn said, "And I want to trust you again, but…I'm scared."

"I know, pet. I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I won't blame you for never trusting me again. …I should earn that."

Dawn's eyes glistened and she almost had the same look she had when he was keeping her safe in the tunnels while they were eluding Glory. A look of loss and confusion etched her youthful face.

"What does getting a soul feel like?" Dawn asked.

Spike paused to think. He didn't think about what a soul felt like, just what it made him feel.

"It's hard to say, luv. If you go by how most people think it, it's what makes us do the right thing. It's what Buffy based all of her training and beliefs on. No soul, demon, doesn't deserve to live. Not her fault, it's been the belief through the ages. I don't hold to it myself. I have my own beliefs, no proof, just my own way of thinking. My theory is that demons do have souls, just that most of them choose not to do the right thing, just as humans do the same. Evil is easier, simpler. It takes effort, a conscious decision to be good, to do good, to stay good. Look at Clem. Kindest soul I know, being good comes naturally to him, but still a demon. You get my meaning?"

Dawn nodded and her eyes brightened.

"So you see, I believe I've always had a soul, but chose to be evil until I met your sister…then all I wanted was to do good. I admit it wasn't for the good of the world, at first. Sod the world, I just wanted to make sure Buffy was safe, that you were safe, but my love for Buffy, it keeps me wanting to do good and that's enough for me. The soul I got from the demon trials, well, I don't think I got a soul…I call it a reawakening of something that was long dead in me, something I thought I would never want to resurrect, let alone desire it back, but my love for Buffy drew me to it. The pain and suffering I feel, reminds me of how much wrong I have done, think of it like having amnesia for a hundred years and then getting your memory back only to find out you were a monster, a killer. I've always known I was a monster, but now I feel the regret and guilt that comes along with everything I did. It's hard some days to get through it. There are nightmares, guilt that goes beyond anything a human could feel, but I do get through it because of Buffy, because of you."

Dawn nodded again only more solemnly. She understood. Spike was always honest and clear with her. He never hid who he was to her, tried to remind her that he was the big bad, but often got giggles when he tried to act menacing. Dawn knew there was good in him, that he wouldn't hurt her so she wasn't afraid of him… not until he hurt Buffy. Only then did she wonder whether her trust was misguided.

"Buffy forgives you, you know. She's already told me. She said that night wasn't all your fault and that I should forgive you too."

"It's in her loving nature to say that, but you don't have to. I can't forgive myself, won't ever forgive myself and as far as I am concerned, none of it was her doing. She was being honest with me and I wasn't man enough to accept it."

"Do you still love Buffy?"

"With all of my heart. You don't have to tell me I'm not good enough for her. I already know that, but I will love her 'til the end."

"Do you love me?"

"With every fiber of my being." Spike insisted with his eyes as well as with his words. "Never doubt that. I would die for both of you without hesitation."

Dawn believed him with her whole heart. She had wanted to forgive him for awhile, but needed to hear his side, needed to feel that she could trust him again.

"Okay, I'll forgive you, but you have to promise me something."

"Anything."

"That you won't stop calling me those silly names you come up with. I kinda miss them."

"Ah," Spike thought, "the sweet sound of forgiveness."

"I think I can do that, niblet.

"Spike reached out, arms outstretched and Dawn walked into them. They hugged warmly like elder brother and baby sister reunited after a long time apart. Dawn ascended the stairs to rejoin the motley crew of potentials, feeling safe and happy. Spike laid back down on his cot. A sense of relief washed over him. He had been treading carefully around Dawn for months, not wanting to rush her or make her feel nervous. He was glad that the bridge had finally been crossed and that he had his niblet back.

Just as he was beginning to feel sleep overtake him, he sensed another presence walking down the stairs. It was Willow. Seems it was his day for visitors.

"Spike?"

"Red? What brings you down here?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure, what's wrong?"

Willow wrung her hands nervously.

"I..I..I wanted…no, I needed to talk to you." She stuttered in that nervous Willow-way she had.

"What is it? Is it Buffy?" Spike asked concerned.

"Oh, no, nothing bad or anything like that. I needed to talk to you because I think you're the only one who'd understand, who can help me."

"I'll do my best, but never been one to be the first person people think of to talk to about anything."

"Buffy came to you after I pulled her out of heaven. She told me later that you comforted her, helped her. She felt you understood what she was going through and how she felt, having risen from the dead yourself and all."

"Wish I'd known that I was helping her. She never said anything."

"She's really sorry about that, you know. She said she wasn't able to see it then. She was too confused to realize what she was doing to you."

"I know. Took me a long time to realize it myself. Besides, like always, I managed to do a pretty good job of bollixing things up between us on my own. I don't know if I'll be any good to you, Red, but I'll try to help if I can."

"It's just…everyone thinks I'm coping with the magics and I am…a little, but…" Willow took a deep breath, "I can't tell anyone this and I've been losing sleep. None of them would understand, would be all judgmentally, not meaning to, but couldn't help themselves and I don't think I could stand that…"

"What is it, pet? What's bothering you?"

"Spike, I'm terrified…I don't regret killing Warren. As much as I try, as much as I should, I don't. I'd do it again, maybe not all end of the worldy like before, but I'd still do it." Willow paused, "I'm scared that I liked it too much, the killing, I still remember how good it felt to release that anger and hate on him. I don't want to end up being a killer…" Willow sobbed into her hands.

Spike understood why Willow felt she could confide in him. He was a killer, would understand what killing was like, how it felt. Though he was surprised that she would confide something so intimate with him, he did understand her fear. He took took her hands into his and held them gently.

"Red, no, what you did, you did from extreme pain, the worst kind. I know. I was in that place when Buffy died…" Spike paused to swallow back his tears, no matter how much time passed, he always found it painful to relive that day, "I would've killed Glory and worse if I could have, but you killing Warren doesn't make you evil. It doesn't make you a killer for life. It just makes you human in my view. You are a kind, giving, loving person who was hurt deeply. Anyone would have felt the way that you did, would've done what you did. They'd like to think they wouldn't, couldn't imagine themselves that way, but I once told Buffy, right person, someone I loved, I'd do it and I know so would they given the right circumstances.

"You will get through this, you have friends who love you and forgive you. As I heard it, Xander reached out to you with love to stop you. You felt that love and it allowed you to turn your hatred into grief. I'm sure Tara's love was there as well. She'd never want you to lose yourself in hate. Love and forgiveness is everything, Will. As long as you give and receive those things, you'll be saved. You have to honor her love and memory by living and loving again otherwise, her death will have no meaning. If you do that, you'll be fine."

Willow walked toward him and wrapped her arms around him. He stiffened at first, but realized she was reaching out for comfort and from him, no less, so he obliged happily. When they parted, Willow's eyes were drenched in tears.

"I still miss her…I feel so guilty that I put everyone through this. It hurts so much to be without her."

"I know. She was a lovely lady. You'll hurt less over time, I promise you that and you have your friends to help you, but you have to let them in, tell them what you're feeling. They're not mind readers. None of us are. We need to hear we're needed, plain and clear. Then one day, thinking of her will only give you joy."

"How do you get through it? The guilt? The pain?"

"Slowly most days. Loving Buffy helps. Doesn't matter she doesn't love me back. Being with her, just feeling her near gets me through it."

"When I think of the time I wasted when Tara left me, I hurt. If only I had controlled the magics, been stronger…I still can't believe I manipulated her mind."

"I've done worse and more in the name of my love for Buffy, pet. I did the most despicable thing any man can do when I…" Spike cringed in remembering that night. It will always haunt him.

"Buffy told me it wasn't your fault, that she drove you to it because she was such a mess."

Spike sighed and smiled, thinking of Dawn telling him the same thing. It comforted him to know that Buffy told her friends about them and was defending what he considered indefensible.

"Forgiveness is all, Red…" Spike said forlornly, "Buffy saves me everyday because she gives and forgives just as she does for you, as all your friends do."

Willow nodded in understanding.

"Thanks, Spike, for talking to me."

"Feel better, pet?"

"Much…guess I'll get there slowly," Willow smiled, "Uh, Spike, I was just wondering…"

"Wondering what?"

"Why can't you forgive yourself?"

The question took Spike by surprise. Willow's insight scared him a little. He then looked down at his hands because he couldn't face her.

"Can't, Red. Not meant to. I believe that. After all I have done, all I've done to Buffy…You're looking at the real monster here."

"Spike, you've done good things, still doing good things, even fought back the First -"

"Never will be enough. I know that. Besides, I think of it as insurance."

"Insurance?"

"Yeh, that I will never hurt anyone again, especially Buffy. I know she forgives me even though I think she shouldn't, but I will never be able to ask for the forgiveness of everyone I've killed…" Spike interlaced his fingers and squeezed his hands, "Call it my way of giving a voice to them. I hear their screaming, their begging and pleading, but I will never hear their forgiveness. I can never make it right. It keeps me honest knowing that."

"I understand. Maybe remembering that I killed Warren will keep me honest too."She thanked him again and headed back up the stairs just as Dawn had. It had been quite a day by Spike standards. He felt good though that his relationship with Dawn had been repaired and that Willow had sought him out for comfort. It gave him a feeling of belonging.

Finally, he was able to drift off to sleep, but as always since the day he had gotten his soul restored, his dreams were nightmarish. Some of them were victims he had murdered many years ago, reliving how he killed them. Others were of Buffy. Those were the ones that frightened him the most. Vampire dreams weren't prophetic, but sometimes he would have a dream where Buffy dies in the next conflict against the First and what haunts him is that she is calling his name and he is helpless to save her. He was having one of those dreams when he jerked awake, breathless. All he remembered was that he was screaming. When he got his bearings on where he was and that the dream was over, he realized that Buffy was sitting next to him on the cot, grasping his shoulders as if she had been trying to wake him. The look she had on her face was of concern and worry.

"Spike? Spike, are you awake?"

"Buffy? Oh, yes, bad dream." Spike said as his breathing eased and he rubbed his eyes, realizing, there were tears there.

"I kinda figured, you were screaming."

"Sorry, did I wake everybody up?" Spike asked, realizing that it was nightfall.

"No, I was coming down to see you when I heard you. Are you sure you're okay? Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I'm fine, luv, just the usual stuff, victims, evil things done…" Spike said, not wanting to tell her the part about her. She didn't need more worries.

"I'm sorry." She said lovingly sympathetic, "I wish there was something I could do to help, to make them stop."

"You do, just by being here."

Buffy flushed with embarrassment and smiled. "Wish I had that effect on the girls. They are all so scared and there's nothing I can say to make them feel better. It's so unfair to them." She said suddenly serious.

Spike gazed into her eyes. It was so like her to think of others over herself. It wasn't fair that all of this had been thrust upon her alone.

"You do. You're here with them. You give them your strength and confidence and they know they are not alone in this. They see their potential in you, but luv, you can only do so much for them. The slayer's lot isn't fair to any of you."

Buffy looked at Spike and wondered how he always managed to make her feel safe, secure, and confident when everything else did the opposite.

"So I heard that Dawn and Willow paid you a visit."

"Yeh."

"Mr. Popular, aren't you?'

"Guess so, but I'm glad the lil bit came down to talk to me. I've been so afraid to approach her. Couldn't blame her for hating me after what I did, but I did miss her."

"I know and I'm glad that she did and that she forgave you. She's wanted to, you know, but she was afraid of betraying me, if she did. I talked to her, told her about everything." Buffy paused, " Dawn told me what you said about that night. Please, Spike, you have to be fair to yourself. I'm just as much to blame."

"I know that you told everyone about what happened and that you've been sharing the blame. It's not that I'm not grateful to you for telling everyone about us. I know that wasn't easy for you, but in my eyes, there was only one person to blame and it isn't you. A good man would never have done what I tried to do."

"You can't put me on a pedestal, Spike. You, of all people, have seen me at my ugliest, at my most worst. I am not a completely good per-"

"Yes, you are." Spike insisted. "Later that night on the road to make the deal with the demon, I had a lot of time to think about things, 'sess out what happened as well as everything that happened last year and I know now that if I had been a different man, done the right things from the beginning, hadn't been a stupid, lovesick git, everything would have been better. You would have found your way back sooner. I tainted everything. I almost decided that you'd be better off without me. I'd forget about the demon and just stay away, but then I'd replay what happened and I couldn't leave you like that, letting you think that any of what happened that night was your doing. I knew that if I went back just the way I was, I'd bollix it up again like I did when I came to you to apologize about what happened between me and Anya. I had to be different to make it right, so that you would believe me. I just didn't count on the madness…" Spike half-grinned, "Best laid plans, you know. I thought I'd get my soul, come back, tell you I was sorry, maybe stay long enough, if you let me, to make sure you'd be okay and then leave."

"What? Just like Angel left? Like Riley?" Buffy said, not with any kind of anger or bitterness. She knew Spike wasn't like them. "No, I don't think so, Spike. You're not Angel or Riley. You're not a coward. You don't leave when things get hard or messy. If anything, the harder things get, the more committed you are. You have never given up on me, even when I gave you good reason to. You chose to get your soul for me, operative word here, 'chose', knowing it would cause you eternal pain. That takes conviction and sacrifice. I still marvel at it, Spike" Buffy paused. ""Angel didn't chose it to stay with me. He just left me so I couldn't understand why you would do it, why you didn't just leave. I thought if Angel didn't love me enough, how could you?

"You're not the only one who took some time to think. When Willow almost ended the world because of her overwhelming grief, I realized how much I got it wrong about the world and how it was, my misconceptions about good and evil. Spike, you did everything you could to help me last year. I was just too lost to appreciate it, to take your help. Giles told me later that sometimes the most grown up thing to do is to ask for help, but I was feeling too sorry for myself for being alive to seek it out. How stupid can a person be not be grateful to be alive?"

"Buffy, you were pulled from heaven anyone -"

"I 'thought' it was heaven. I didn't know what it was, all I knew then was that it was better than being alive. I know why now. I was too afraid to live again, to do all this fighting again." She paused, "I had lost my mom and then Dawn was about to die. When I jumped off that tower, I was afraid of living and wanted to die. The slayer death wish had finally caught up with me and you were right. I really wanted it and the thought did give me peace. When I came back, I thought I still wanted it, but because of you, I never succumbed and whenever I came close, you were there to save me. I finally realized that.

"Spike, you've always been there for me and all I did was give you hope then yank it away time and time again. You wear your emotions. I cloak them. I wasn't ready to give you anything…to be honest, I had nothing to give except my body. I was truly empty. I was so wrong to do that to you, but you need to know that you broke through so many times last year and I should've had the courage to tell you, or at least the compassion. You saved me so many times and I wondered why because I've never done anything to deserve that loyalty. Do you see? I'm not a completely good person. I couldn't give you what you needed, what you deserved and yet you never left me."

"Buffy, it was all selfishness. I couldn't let you die. I couldn't live without you. Yes, I wanted you to live, but as much for me as for you."

"That's not selfishness, Spike. It's tells me that you loved me enough to want me to live and though I couldn't give you that love back -"

"Don't. You don't have to say it." Spike said quickly. He couldn’t bear hearing her say the "let's be friends speech". It would be too painful. It might even kill him.

But as if Buffy had read his mind, she continued.

"Yes, I do because I'm not giving you the 'let's be friends' speech" She said and looked into his eyes. "Spike, if you can find it in your heart to forgive all that I have done to you, if you can still find some kind of love for me, if you can give me a second chance, I-"

"I can, Buffy. It requires no searching, it's always been there and would always be there even if you never took it."

Buffy's eyes swelled with tears as she looked at him.

"I love you, Spike. For all you've done, for all you are."

Spike's unneeded breath caught in his throat. His heart, at first, was unbelieving of what it thought it had heard, though it had heard it a million times in his dreams.

"Wow, I'm good. I finally left you speechless."

"You what?"

"I love you." Buffy said seriously, looking into his eyes, "So much."

"Buffy, Are you-"

"Just shut up and kiss me." Buffy smiled widely.Spike didn't have to be told twice. He took her into a passionate kiss that made them both breathless.

The End