Relena
 

 How We Feel About Relena

 And What We Did About It

 ~a silly minific by Mel and Christy~

 

RELENA: Um... Mel-san... should you be doing this?

[Relena is sitting on the couch in the Cluttered Lounge, Mel and
Storm's writing den. She looks........ worried.]

MEL: Sure! Don't worry, it won't affect you.

RELENA: Are you sure?!

[Christy nods as she braids Duo's hair intricately]

CHRISTY: We checked the math a couple of times.

DUO: C-chan... am I going to be able to get this braid OUT?

CHRISTY: Eventually. Heero or Wufei can help you... I have a video
camera somewhere.

RELENA: Well... if you're *sure*.

MEL (mutter): not like you could stop us. heh.

[Wufei walks in and stops short at the sight. Mel is setting up a
huge... THING. It looks suspiciously like the energy weapon in the
prologue of 'Demon of Justice', and it's pointed straight at the TV.
There's another one just visible through the hall door; it seems to
be pointing into the room where Storm keeps her computer.]

WUFEI: WHAT are you two onnas DOING?

MEL: Killing Relena! Wellll, versions of her anyway.

WUFEI: What?!

MEL: Christy, you explain... I have to adjust the frammistat.

CHRISTY: Well, you see, we quite like some versions of Relena...
like this one. [she waves a handful of Duo's hair at the nervous girl
sitting next to her on the couch.] This is our Relena. She isn't
insanely fixated on Heero, though she did have a crush for a while;
she doesn't endanger you G-boys by following you around in a pink
limo all the time; she's nice to Duo (most of the time) and even
you have to admit she's brave and honourable.

WUFEI: *snort*

CHRISTY: Don't interrupt. Anyway, there are several other writers
out there who write Relena in a way that we like. Don't ask us for
fic titles or author names right now, we'd have to go look them up
and we've got the computer perfectly set up for our Kill Relenas
Project. HOWEVER, there are many other fics featuring Relena as a) a
wimpy sucky 'HEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'-screaming fluffhead, b)
an evil Duo-torturing vicious bitch with enough money to make his
life hell, c) anything else that sets our teeth on edge. While we
adore many of these fics, we hate those Relenas. And canon Relena
from the series is just plain idiotic, especially in the dub. "Does
that make Heero a Little Prince?" my ass!

WUFEI: This still doesn't explain what you're doing with THESE
things! [points at giant humming Thingy pointed at the TV. Mel's legs
are currently sticking out of an access port on top of it, waving
around as she tries to reach something.]

CHRISTY: Well, as you can see, these are the same as the thingy that
blasted you out of the universe in 'Demon of Justice'--

WUFEI: I noticed! What are you planning to do, blast us all out of
THIS universe so you don't have to see stupid Relenas any more?!

MEL (muffled): Hell no. Where would I get my manga then? Um...
Christy... I'm stuck.

CHRISTY: *sigh* Heero! Mission! Get Mel out of that thing.

HEERO: Ryoukai. [climbs on top of the humming Thingy and pulls Mel
straight up by one ankle.]

MEL: ow! Thaaaaaaaank you, Hee-chan!

HEERO: I'll let go...

MEL: *ahem* Mission complete, Yui.

HEERO: Thank you. [drops her on the carpet]

MEL: These thingys won't blast anything out of the universe,
Wuffie. They're properly adjusted and finished - the one that shot
you didn't even have a frammistat - and you aren't going to be
hitting them at just the right moment with Shenlong's energy naginata
thingy.

WUFEI: *blink* Is that what happened to me?!

MEL: Yes. Don't tell the readers, it's a spoiler.

WUFEI (looking straight out of the screen at everyone reading this):
Wouldn't dream of it.

MEL: So everything's fine, you see?

WUFEI: No.

CHRISTY: *sigh* What do you need explained now?

WUFEI: What you're doing! You never got around to that part!

CHRISTY: *siiiiiiiigh* I thought we did... We hate many many MANY
versions of Relena, so we're going to kill them. It's a venting-
frustrations thing, our psychiatrist suggested it.

MEL: ...though I don't think he thought we'd take it so LITERALLY...

WUFEI: *blink*blink* ...how?!

MEL: Welllllll, first we get Canon Relena at her stupidest moment
(standing on the stairs at her party with a stunned-mullet look on
her face saying the Little Prince line) on the TV. We already have
webpages up on Christy's computer with the fics we're targeting her
in displayed. At the right moment, I hit this remote control [shows
Big Red Button] and suitably frammistated energy shoots out into
Virtual Writing Space, hits all the versions of Relena we hate, and
fries them like Crispy Critters.

CHRISTY: Yep!

DUO: Sounds like a plan!

HEERO: Can I hit the button?

MEL: *grrrrr* MINE!

WUFEI: HOLD IT! Yui, Maxwell... don't tell me you APPROVE of all
this!

DUO: *nodnodnodnodnod* Oh, yeah baby. Have you seen some of what
that bitch has DONE to me!?!? No offence meant, hon.

NICE RELENA: *sigh* none taken.

HEERO: I still want to push the damn button.

MEL: No!

WUFEI: Surely YOU don't...

[Quatre and Trowa nodnod from the big chair]

MEL: Look, Wu-chan... come here.

[Mel and Wufei disappear into the computer room. Various mouse-
clicking noises come from in there for several minutes, then they
emerge.]

WUFEI: Justice WILL be served. I'LL push the button.

CHRISTY: Ah, Mel, I see you showed him that fic with the lust drugs.

MEL: I showed him ALL of them. He speed-reads.

CHRISTY: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Gotcha.

MEL: Anyway! The moment approaches! And I'M going to push the button.

[COUNTDOWN:]

EVERYBODY: ...three! ...two!! ...ONE!!! DIE, EVIL/STUPID RELENAS!!!!!

************BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!**************

 

 

 

 

 

 

[dust clears]

MEL: dId It WoRk?!

CHRISTY AND DUO: mrphmrph mmmph.

MEL: wHaT? oH.

[Mel pulls Heero off Duo and Duo off Christy. On the way, she has to
get off Wufei, then pulls him off Trowa and Trowa off Quatre.]

MEL: *ahem* *coughcough* Um... okay, the TV is showing a Crispy
Critter on the stairs... I think we have a success! Christy, go check
the computer.

[zip]

CHRISTY (in the distance): did it work did it work... YES! KANRYU!
All these fics now have Crispy Critters drugging people and paying
for goon squads! Hey, the torture goes on but she's been PUNISHED!

WUFEI: ...where's OUR Relena?

MEL: ...oops.

[There is a Relena-shaped hole through the back of the couch. Mel
peers over it.]

MEL: Okay... minor unforeseen side effect... she'll be fine with a
little rewriting. [picks a dazed Nice Relena up and dusts her off.]
Won't you, honey?

NICE RELENA: ...mfnrgle...

MEL: Sounded like a 'yes' to me!

CHRISTY: *snicker* Works for me.

 

~The End~

 
     

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