How to Be an Evil Overlord, or Where Treize Went Wrong

 

How to Be an Evil Overlord, or Where Treize Went Wrong

By Ashkara and Christy


Gundam Wing does not belong to us. Similarly, the inspiration (and first 98 points, I might add) of this story was a joke file called "The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord" by Peter Anspach, which also does not belong to us. We're borrowing it for the sole purpose of amusement and hope no one takes offence at it.



General Treize Kushrenada sighed and rubbed his temples as he slid into his desk chair at 12AM on a muggy Saturday night. His insomnia had kicked in again, and he figured that there was no point in pretending to sleep, when he could be using the precious hours of quiet time to get some real work done. All the same, it was a barbaric time to be up and about.

Pouring himself a snifter of brandy, he flipped on the antique desk lamp and turned on the sleek desktop computer that somehow managed to look like it belonged on a nineteenth century oak desk... He sipped and pulled up his email.

Several minutes later, Treize was smiling to himself as he hit reply and noticed the dummy email address that showed up in the 'To' line. Treize shook his head. It would get through to the author, he was certain. "How they manage to get past all my security every time..."

No longer tired, he began typing -

FROM: Evil_Overlord @ OZ.org

TO: Binky_the_Bunny @ Hopalong.org

SENT: 04:26 January 27, 196AC

SUBJECT: Re: Evil Overlords

----- message begins -----

----- original message -----

Hello, Mr. K *snicker!*

I got this message and thought of you immediately, though I'm sure you aren't nearly as amused as I am by it. I would love to have your opinion on how appropriate these items are, though, if you don't mind. I think Wufei would want to know, too.

Don't bother acting shocked. I know perfectly well what's going on with you two. Just glad someone's making him happy.

Yours truly,

Duo "God of Death" Maxwell

----- view attachment -----

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Mr. Maxwell,

I'm flattered that you'd pass me any suggestions whatsoever on how to run my war; I can assure you that I will take your comments to heart in my next performance review.

You will find my comments annotated to your original message.

Sincerely,

T. Kushrenada, General

PS - The email alias "Binky the Rabbit" does not convey the same sense of terror as "God of Death." You might consider changing it in communications to anyone else if you wish to avoid ridicule. T.K.

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] My men don't wear helmets (apart from Zechs, and his is broken, sadly), and we have too many mobile suits to monitor them all at all times. I'm afraid this one will have to be left as is.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I would gladly make this change, were it possible. It amazes me how incapable we are of holding any of you pilots captive for a prolonged period of time.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I am an only child. Go figure.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] And yet it doesn't stop any of you, as you, yourself, proved when you shot Mr. Yuy twice.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Alas, I doubt your Chang Wufei would agree to being stuffed in a safe deposit box, even if we could find one large enough.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

[T. Kushrenada wrote] This precludes my ability to catch you, of course. I'll take this one up with you in person, should the opportunity present itself.

7. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I am sleeping with the Princess' brother, as you seem to know already. Marrying Relena would simply be wrong.

8. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Your Mr. Yuy would find the right button no matter how I hid it, use it, and survive anyway.

9. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] See my answer to items 2 and 6.

10. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] If my enemies were truly weak, we would no longer be fighting. Rest assured, Mr. Maxwell, that I would not waste either my time or yours with such frivolity.

11. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Strangely enough, a five-year-old might be more effective than most of Romefeller is. If your Mr. Winner has a younger brother stashed away somewhere, please let me know. I'd hope that brilliance continues to run in that family.

12. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] We made the mistake of gloating and celebrating before killing with you, if I remember correctly. I'm sure you are pleased with that oversight.

13. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I must say I don't agree with this point. It would be unjust to deny the last wishes of a noble adversary.

14. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I will pass this on to Lady Une, with your regards.

15. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Please, even *I* don't speak like that.

16. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I would, if any of them had an original idea. Since they don't, it does not bother me to ignore them wholeheartedly. Zechs and Lady Une are the only ones with any vision.

17. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I prefer men, enough said.

18. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] She probably would, if she were old enough to like boys as yet. *I'd* betray myself for Wufei's sake.

19. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Pass this note on to Mr. Yuy. Zechs still gets creeped out by the memory of his laugh when they first fought each other. He still has the occasional nightmare.

20. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] OZ uniforms were designed with Zechs' physique in mind. Even *you* must admit that he looks smashing in it. I would pay a great deal of money to see Wufei in a similar outfit.

21. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Absolute power means control over the paths of the future. Regardless of what happens, I will have left my mark, so the power is already mine.

22. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I believe your Mr. Yuy would shoot any Ewoks (I believe that this is the right cinematic reference) that got in his way, so I am reasonably certain this will not be an issue.

23. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Along the same lines, you know that you are not *The* God of Death, right?

24. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] It is called the Libra, not the Death Star, and something tells me that you five will carve it apart until you find any vulnerability that might exist, so this may be a moot point.

25. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I don't have to order him, he comes quite willingly, pun most definitely intended. And you are all rather good-looking, if I may say so.

26. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] You know I prefer a sword to a pistol. As to the other... No comment.

27. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Pet monster? I doubt my Dragon would agree to being called a pet, though the idea of him in chains and totally submissive to me is quite appealing. *Do* ask him if he'd be willing to explore that fantasy for me, when you see him.

28. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] My dress sense is impeccable.

29. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] You only pretend to bumble, Mr. Maxwell, and I am not deceived. Comic though you might be, I will not underestimate you, should we ever meet in person.

30. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Modeled after my persistent Colonel Une, I'm sure you'd imagine.

31. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] To do so would be inelegant, as well as a waste of resources.

32. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] The day I force Lady Une to wear such a demeaning getup will be the day she forgets her rank and kills me. I would deserve it, completely. You have a sick mind.

33. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I do not get this reference, but I think I can reasonably agree never to turn myself into a snake.

34. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Facial hair is not chic - it would detract from my eyebrows.

35. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I have made this mistake countless times, too. How kind of you to point it out for me.

36. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I *always* trust Zechs, so this clearly doesn't apply.

37. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I should hope that none of you have fathered any children as yet. You are far too young. Terrorism hardly provides a stable environment in which to raise a child. Had my predecessors learned this lesson, I might not be in this situation, to begin with.

38. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I refuse to skulk behind with the rearguard! My place is at the head of my armies, and that is where I will be.

37. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Chivalry is what separates true men from aboriginees. If I didn't know that you were already aware of this fact, I would be offended.

38. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Science fiction, my dear boy.

39. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] A pet? Latest intelligence informs me that this would mean I had to capture *you* when I finally catch Heero Yuy. Is there any truth to these rumours?

40. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Very subtle, Mr. Maxwell. Wufei would never betray any of you, so you need not worry on this level. And no, I will not let him in on my plans, no matter how fantastic he looks in my bed.

41. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Forget bounty hunters - I have no need for them. I will let Lady Une do what she does best, and make sure Zechs is kept far away from it.

42. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I don't have to shoot them - they commit suicide in shame at the thought of displeasing me. Disappointing, really. One would hope that professional soldiers would have more sense.

43. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I like this one. Note to Lady Une - make it so.

44. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] If I ever catch you, I'll consider this point.

45. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] This should apply to mobile suits. If even half of my pilots cared for their suits as you young pilots did, this war wouldn't be so bloody expensive.

46. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I fail to see the applicability of this point, though it is true that civilians seem to find it easier to find you than my intelligence network. If I might give you a small hint, Miss Relena's pink limousine is quite easy to track.

47. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] If I thought it would make a difference, I would agree with this point, but the truth is that your Heero Yuy is more than capable of hacking any system I have.

48. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] None of you are princesses, but our guards hate you enough that this point is not a concern. Sorry, but it is the truth.

49. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Let it be noted that you, Mr. Maxwell, will not be kept out by any number of architects and roadblocks. If you were not my enemy, I would probably want to hire you.

50. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I don't want her to marry me - I'd much prefer to marry her brother, but the Pope refuses to be bribed to make it happen. You are Catholic, are you not? Could you not intervene on my behalf?

51. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I am Treize Kushrenada, not Faustus.

52. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] This should apply to strange Professors with prosthetic noses and arms, I presume. You are well suited to know that subtlety is not their strong suit. Meeting J was enough to make me pity Heero.

53. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Even better - I will let your Trowa Barton train them the next time he decides to infiltrate my army.

54. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Addendum - I will not let Zechs pilot anything new and unusual unless I know it won't provoke a heart attack.

55. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I will give up the witty repartee, but I refuse to give up the dramatic poses - the cloak is made just for those!

56. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] One word - Epyon.

57. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Note to self - would be 150% more effective if I could clone a young Heero Yuy.

59. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] They love everything I come up with, so it had better be brilliant, or I'm sunk.

60. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] This would be quite useful, thank you for suggesting it. Unfortunately, it would also reduce cover for my men who, I believe it has already been stated, have poor aim, whilst you five seem to be expert marksmen. Catch-22.

61. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Is this another Star Wars reference?

62. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] If you are referring to my high regard for roses, I can assure you that you do not know what you're missing. I will pass this on to Lady Une, though. My faithful shadow has perhaps a few too many quirks to deal with.

63. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Fascinating idea, but I don't doubt you would find a way around it. Nice try.

64. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Another one to pass to Lady Une for implementation. Are you *certain* you hate me? I could use a brain like yours on my staff. I could make you a lucrative offer, so keep it in mind, should you ever decide to betray your comrades.

65. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] My dear boy, we both know that people assigned to guard duty are bored out of their minds. It might work for a few hours, but they would quickly fall back to the abysmally poor patterns that seem to let you waltz through my bases. Besides, you would probably set them off in the wrong direction with a camera shortage or two, and then go right about your business while we looked in the wrong direction.

66. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Unless the person in question is Wufei. Those duels of ours are entirely too amusing.

67. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Rumour has it that you are an orphan from L-2. You would probably be a well-adjusted young high-schooler, if I had methods such as these. The idea has merit, I see...

68. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] You have an ulterior motive for this, I'm sure, such as a counter-plan. See my previous comment about guards and their devotion to duty.

69. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Shoot my Zechs?! Never! Tie him to the bed and let Wufei do scandalous things to him... that is a nice option to consider. Note to self: test Zechs' *loyalty* next time Wufei stops by.

70. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Depends ont he nature of the strange device. If it happens to be Yuy's beam cannon, I will say a few Hail Mary's instead.

71. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I will pass this comment on to Zechs. it must be the prince in him - he is too obliging.

72. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] No problems with this point. I hand it off to Lady Une, and no greater guard could be needed.

73. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] As you have shown us countless times, Mr. Maxwell, a cloaking device counters this argument quite handily, and merely puts all my men in the wrong place for them at the right time for you.

74. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Interesting concept, but that is what I have guards for.

75. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Hardly applicable, considering your standing orders are to shoot me, not talk to me.

76. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Sorry to disappoint, but that order has already been given. Nothing personal, dear boy, just business.

77. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Doomsday device? You watch far too much television. Obviously, we are not keeping you busy enough.

78. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Nice try. My best troops deserve better from me than a death sentence. I hate mobile dolls as a rule, but I'd send them before I'd send any human pilot after you.

79. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Clever idea. In the highly unlikely case that this should happen, I will attempt to remember your wisdom.

80. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Sorry, but the orders are to shoot you, no matter what. Get used to it.

81. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Wufei has not, to my knowledge, attempted to poison me yet. I flatter myself to think he wouldn't, either.

82. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Does not work. I *do* apologise for the churlish ways of my soldiers, by the way. You truly are too pretty for your own good, though.

83. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Point taken. Thank you.

84. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Once again, I counsel you to stop watching the Sci-Fi channel. 'Doomsday device' sounds so cliche.

85. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Agreed. Chemical fumes are terrible for the hair and complexion, anyway.

86. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I will send them to Lady Une, instead. Good point.

87. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Addendum - I will not put Zechs in charge of its disposal, either, as he's prone to fixing things and giving them back to the original owner, just to be fair.

88. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I'm afraid your friend, Mr. Barton, would be deeply disappointed to find my men paying attention when it came time for him to take over a command post.

89. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I'm sorry, but messengers who interrupt the opera deserve to be ignored. Say what you will, but that is the truth. The same goes for bathing rituals. I have yet to break either Zechs or Lady Une of this habit.

90. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

[T. Kushrenada wrote] The only one of you this would have even a weak chance of convincing would be young Mr. Winner, and probably not even then. Wufei would be insulted.

91. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] And next time you are scheduled to be executed, we won't announce it on sphere-wide television two days prior. I still can't believe Lady Une did that. Maybe she wanted you to get away.

92. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I don't agree - I feel a prisoner deserves his dignity.

93. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I'll pass this on to Lady Une. Don't think I don't understand you, Mr. Maxwell. I know we don't provide medical treatment to our prisoners, and you five look after yourselves quite well. I'm not letting anyone with a syringe full of anesthetic anywhere hear any of you!

94. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] And how long does it take you to hot-wire a door, dear boy? I think I'd end up with more dead guards than captured Gundam pilots.

95. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] I believe we call them 'holding cells' in the modern period, Mr. Maxwell. Dungeon! How anachronistic!

96. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] No offence meant, but you would probably make a beautiful girl, so I will take this advice to heart. It would be far too easy for you to pose as the feminine part of a couple and sneak right past our warning nets.

97. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Is that the size limit on Mr. Yuy's email box? Good thing to know.

98. I will never be lenient with any detainee for the simple reason that he/she is too young for a proper beating. Similarly, any underling who discriminates among prisoners/enemies on the basis of age will be flogged until they see the error of their ways.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Noin escaped unscathed simply because Wufei was the pilot in question. She has no idea how lucky that was.

99. I will never discuss important military plans and/or state secrets with an unidentified, anonymous member of the housekeeping staff in the room.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Interesting. Yet the nice thing about holding the rank of Baron is that the housekeeping staff stays far away from you.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

[T. Kushrenada wrote] Is this a hint? Sorry, but the last thing any of my men need is a series of spammed emails from you, Mr. Maxwell. I'll have you know that my laptop still plays the hampsterdance unless you key in 'D-E-A-T-H-S-C-Y-T-H-E--R-O-C-K-S' in under fifteen seconds. I hate hampsters, and it is your fault.

----- end message -----

Treize laughed to himself as he read the email over again, and added Zechs to its distribution before he hit the send button. He yawned cavernously and drained the rest of his cognac.

"Thanks for the laugh, 02." He quickly shut down his computer and turned off his desk lamp before silently heading back down the hall to his room. With a smile on his lips, General Treize Kushrenada turned off his lights and went to sleep.

Fin


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