Buffy MST

Demon-- er, Vampire of Justice! ...Yeah, that's it.

Pairings: 1x2x5, 3x4
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Silly. Very, very silly. Crude comments. And if you haven't seen this episode of Buffy, (a) you really should! and (b) bits of this won't make much sense.
Disclaimer: We don't own Gundam Wing, Oath of Swords or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or any of their characters.
Feedback: Yes

 

Demon-- er, Vampire of Justice! ...Yeah, that's it.
~ an MST of the 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' episode "Once More, With Feeling" ~
AND a sidefic for the 'Demon of Justice' babble sections.
BY: Mel and Christy
WITH THE UNWILLING ASSISTANCE OF: the Gundam Boys, Legolas and Ardeth Bey
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY: Krashnark, various cats, and the Innocent Hentai Dog Zac

NOTE: Before any Buffy fans start feeling homicidal... we do actually like Buffy. Usually. Kind of. We're just narked about how she's been treating poor Spikey-boy.

 

[Mel and Christy are sitting in front of the TV watching a video, with Legolas occupying the beanbag next to them.]

WUFEI: Are they watching that _again_?!
TROWA: Yes. For about the fifteenth time.
QUATRE: What is it?
HEERO: *snort* Some sort of trashy supernatural thing called Muffy or Fluffy or--
QUATRE & DUO: BUFFY?! *ZIP*

[They're abruptly in front of the TV, glued to the screen.]

QUATRE: Why didn't you tell us you were watching Buffy?! What episode is it?
MEL: 'Once More, With Feeling'. *snicker*
DUO: We haven't seen that one yet!
CHRISTY: Really?
DUO: Really! Legolas was watching anime on SBS when it was on, and he shot at us every time we tried to get to the remote.
LEGOLAS: It was 'Akira'. I like 'Akira'.
MEL: Sorry, guys, we figured you would've seen it already since you're such big fans.
HEERO: You two are fans of _that_?!
QUATRE: You've never even watched an ad for Buffy, Heero! Don't denigrate something you know nothing about.
HEERO: The title tells me everything I want to know. It obviously has no artistic merit or intellectual content whatsoever.

[Mel, Christy, Quatre, Duo and Legolas look at each other... then they all get up and advance menacingly on Heero and Wufei.]

LEGOLAS: Obviously you need some facts to base your opinions on.
DUO: Exactly. You're going to watch this episode with us.
WUFEI: What?! No! I have better things to do than--
DUO: SIT!

[Heero and Wufei sit. Quatre collects Trowa as well, and Mel and Christy grab Ardeth just to have all the bishie boys within drooling range at once.]

MEL: Push the button, Christy!
ARDETH (plaintively): What's going on?
WUFEI: They're polluting our minds with pop culture. Block your ears and hum.
CHRISTY: Don't even think about it! You'll have more fun if you just watch and enjoy.
MEL: 'Cause if you don't, we'll fill your Gundams' cockpits with custard.
ARDETH: I don't have a Gundam.
MEL: And get a pet scorpion.
ARDETH: I'm watching.

[Christy hits the remote, and the opening credits roll.]

HEERO: ...I have a bad feeling about this. It looks like the beginning of a sappy movie from the '60s or '70s.
QUATRE: This isn't the way it usually starts.
MEL: Well... this isn't a typical Buffy episode. *snicker*
CHRISTY: *snicker*
WUFEI: Custard suddenly doesn't seem so bad.

[The Buffy cast start their day... with music. Tara finds a dried flower under her pillow, Buffy stares blankly at her ringing alarm clock, Zander and Anya peruse an old bridal magazine. Then it's nightfall, and Giles sends Buffy off on her 'rounds'.]

LEGOLAS: Now _there's_ a way to get somebody's attention. Walk up to them with a battleaxe. Gimli would approve.

[Buffy is walking through a graveyard, as usual. What's _not_ usual is the backing music.]

BUFFY: Every single night, the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight.
Still, I always feel this strange estrangement...

HEERO: (flatly): She's... singing.
MEL: Didn't we tell you this episode was a musical? *snicker*
HEERO: I'm leaving.
EVERYBODY ELSE: SIT!

BUFFY: --going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my
Heart

[She stabs a vampire.]

CHRISTY: That penetrated! _His_ heart, anyway.

BUFFY: (fighting some more nasties):
Crawl out of your graves, your finest fight just
Doesn't mean a thing (punch)
VAMP: She ain't got that swing (decks her)
BUFFY: Thanks for noticing
VAMPIRES & DEMON: She does pretty well with scenes from hell
But lately we can tell
She's just going through the motions--

DUO: Her opponents are also her backing singers?!
QUATRE: That's the stupidest-looking chorus line I've ever seen. And I've seen a _lot_.
DUO: ...Do you think we could get Zechs and Treize to be _our_ backing singers?
WUFEI: _No_.
DUO: Oh come on, I bet Krashnark would like to sing for--
KRASHNARK: Yes?
WUFEI: Hey! _I_ didn't say your name!
KRASHNARK: No, but his saying it made you think it. What are you watching?
WUFEI: Go _away_.
KRASHNARK: I brought popcorn...
MEL & CHRISTY: Sit!
CHRISTY: You can stay. Just no talking during Spike's good bits.

[Buffy has taken out two of her opponents while they sing.]

HEERO: That's why we can't get Zechs and Treize to be our backing singers. They're too smart to get distracted that way on a battlefield.
TROWA: And _we'd_ have to sing first. No thanks.

DEMON: --going through the motions
Faking it somehow
She's not even half the girl she-- owww...

ARDETH: That's cold! Stabbing him just so he'll rhyme!
LEGOLAS: I don't think she did it on purpose.

BUFFY: Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour?

CHRISTY: Please? Then maybe Spike would get bored with you!

HUNKY MALE SACRIFICE: How can I repay--
BUFFY: Whatever.

DUO & QUATRE: She passed _that_ up?!
DUO: He was grateful!
QUATRE: And muscular!
DUO: Saved from certain, messy death!
QUATRE: Nice abs.
DUO: And pecs.
TROWA: AHEM.

[Buffy finishes her song. The guys all stare at the screen.]

WUFEI: ...That sounded like something out of 'Annie'.

[Now they all stare at _him_.]

WUFEI: I saw previews! I couldn't avoid it!

[Next morning in the Magic Box.]

XANDER: Respect the cruller. And _tame_ the doughnut!

CHRISTY: Yep, Xander's got the right idea. Pass the popcorn, Krashy baby.
KRASHNARK: Since you're talking, I take it he's not in Spike's league?
MEL: Hell no. Spike is _sexy_. Xander's just... hmmm... an amusing space-filler.

BUFFY: So, did anybody... last night. Er. Did anybody... um...

CHRISTY: Get to the point!

BUFFY: --break into song?
XANDER: Merciful Zeus!

KRASHNARK: Actually, he isn't particularly merciful--
TROWA: Never mind.

GILES: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see, and the synchronised dancing from the lawn service chaps.

ARDETH: And it took him until _now_ to think there was something odd about it?!
CHRISTY: Giles, you're fallin' down on the job!

[The Scooby Gang discuss researching these weird happenings, and of course, it starts up again.]

GILES: I've got a theory
That it's a demon
A dancing demon-- no, something isn't right there...
WILLOW: I've got a theory
Some kid is dreaming
And we're all stuck inside his wacky Bradley nightmare
XANDER: I've got a theory we should work this out
CHORUS: It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?

DUO: Good drugs!

XANDER: It could be witches!
Evil witches--

[Willow and Tara LOOK at him.]

XANDER: --which is ridiculous 'cause witches they were persecuted wiccan good and lovely earth and woman power and I'll be over here.

CHRISTY: I've always said Xander has fleeting moments of genius.
MEL: Very fleeting.
HEERO: A bit slow on the uptake, but not a bad recovery.

ANYA: I've got a theory
It could be bunnies!

QUATRE: _Bunnies_?!

[Everyone looks at her. Even the music has stopped.]

TARA: I've got a th--

[Guitars wail, spotlights hit Anya, and the music goes rock opera.]

ANYA: They're not as cute like everybody supposes
They've got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies! Bunnies, it must be bunnies!

[The music cuts off with a few pyrotechnic flares. Everybody's looking at her again.]

ANYA: ...or maybe midgets.

KRASHNARK (munching popcorn): That woman needs help.
QUATRE: I kind of like her theory! It at least has the virtue of originality.

WILLOW: I've got a theory we should work this out
& GILES: Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed!
BUFFY: I've got a theory
It doesn't matter
What can't we face if we're together?

[The others join in as she continues.]

WUFEI: Ugh. Inspirational group singing.

BUFFY: It's do or die
Hey, I've died twice!

CHRISTY: Third time's the charm!
MEL: Yeah, next time _stay_ dead!
KRASHNARK: Does this mean she's undead? My sister should be able to do something about her, in that case--

[Mel and Christy start to look hopeful.]

KRASHNARK: --in exchange for certain considerations, of course.

[He looks significantly at Wufei. Mel and Christy look thoughtful.]

WUFEI: HEY! You two onnas are NOT going to sell me to him in exchange for getting rid of Buffy!
CHRISTY: Of course not.
WUFEI: Good!
MEL: She's not undead, so it wouldn't work.
WUFEI: ARGH!
TROWA: I take it you two don't like her?
CHRISTY: We don't watch this program to see _her_, that's for sure!

CHORUS: --what's in this place that we can't weather?
Nothing we can't face.
ANYA: Except for bunnies...

DUO: Does she mean the cute little cottontail type, or the vorpal variety?
MEL: With her background as an ex-vengeance demon, who knows?
QUATRE: Bunnies! *snicker*

[Song over, there's some more discussion.]

ANYA: Is it just happening to us? That would probably mean a spell.

[Buffy opens the door to reveal a group of people waving shirts and doing cartwheels in front of a drycleaner's shop.]

MAN: They got-- the mustard-- out!
CHORUS: They got the mustard out~!
BUFFY: It's not just us.

LEGOLAS: Isn't there a detergent ad on TV that's rather like that?

[Research happens. Dawn comes back from school. Tara and Willow suggest that they should go home to check some books there.]

GILES: Well, I'm a hair's breadth from investigating bunnies at the moment, so I'm willing to try anything.

QUATRE: Bunnies! *snicker*

[Dawn takes a pendant off the counter and hides it in her clothes.]

ARDETH: She's stealing from a _magic_ _shop_?! Is she insane?! What's she going to do if she puts that pendant on and accidentally summons some evil demon that wants to kidnap her into another dimension and marry her?!

[Everybody looks at him.]

MEL & CHRISTY: *snicker*
CHRISTY: Nah. _That_ would never happen...
ARDETH: At least it isn't a book.

[Tara and Willow walk home.]

WILLOW: ...The sun is shining, there's songs going on... those guys are checking you out...
TARA: What? What are they looking at?
WILLOW: The hotness of _you_, Dupres.
TARA: Those guys thought I was hot?!
WILLOW: Entirely!
TARA: Ohmigod! I'm cured! I want the boys!

DUO: HA! If being checked out by the opposite sex cured homosexuality, we'd all be straighter than flagpoles!

[Mel and Christy fall off the sofa laughing. Many crude comments about flagpoles and so forth are made before they make it back to their seats. Then they realise that the tape was still playing while they were being rude, and Tara has started singing.]

MEL: FAST FORWARD! FAST FORWARD!
QUATRE: No, leave it-- everything else has been okay. What's wrong with this song?
CHRISTY: Okay. Just don't say we didn't warn you!

[Mel and Christy stuff their fingers in their ears and cringe. The song continues.]

QUATRE: This isn't so bad...
WUFEI: The music's changing. I have a bad feeling about this.

TARA: I'm under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?

WUFEI: Now she's dancing. Badly. The song's turned saccharine.
TROWA: And random picnickers are joining in. Fast forward!

[Zac, the Innocent Hentai Dog, starts howling. Cats flee the room. The remote is nowhere to be found, and Mel and Christy won't say where it is.]

MEL & CHRISTY: LALALALALA we can't hear anything LALALA...
DUO: Hey, they're in their bedroom now, and she's floating! *snicker* _I_ don't float when you guys go down on me! We must be doing something wrong!
LEGOLAS: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
DUO: We need more practice, obviously. And she's still singing! Willow must not be doing a good job, if Tara can still concentrate enough to sing...
ARDETH: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
HEERO: WHERE'S THE REMOTE?!
MEL & CHRISTY: LALALALALA...

[By the time the chaos has been sorted out, the song is over and so is half of the next scene. Nobody wants to rewind.]

DAWN: Besides, it's all kind of romantic.
BUFFY & XANDER: No it's not.
DAWN: Come on! Songs, dancing around... what's gonna be wrong with that?

CHRISTY: You'd think she'd know by now! _Never_ say 'what could be wrong' or 'how can it possibly get worse'!
ARDETH: That girl's just begging for something bad to happen.

[Scene cut to a dark street, where a scared-looking man is tapdancing at high speed... until he bursts into flame and dies screaming.]

CHRISTY & ARDETH: SEE?

DEMON: _That's_ entertainment!

QUATRE: He doesn't look like a bunny!

=COMMERCIAL BREAK=

[Christy grabs the remote and fast-forwards.]

WUFEI (muttering): Keep an eye on where she puts the remote. We may need to grab it later if there are any more songs like that floaty sappy one.
KRASHNARK: Fill some background in for me. That girl, Buffy, has died twice but isn't undead?
MEL & CHRISTY: Uh-huh.
KRASHNARK: _How_? There's rules against that sort of thing, you know.
QUATRE: Well, the first time, she drowned... but Xander resuscitated her. She was only _sort_ of dead.
DUO: The second time, she was _really_ dead. Dead dead. Buried-in-the-ground, starting-to-get-icky, really-dead dead.
QUATRE: Willow resurrected her.
KRASHNARK: And this Willow-- she's the lover of the 'floaty sappy' singing girl, right? She's human?
MEL & CHRISTY: Uh-huh.
KRASHNARK: I'd like to know how she pulled _that_ off!
DUO: She's kind of UberWitch at the moment.
HEERO: ...'UberWitch'?
DUO: Meddling with Things That Are Not Meant To Be Meddled With. That sort of thing.
CHRISTY: Okay, shaddap, showtime!

[Xander and Anya's home.]

WUFEI: Isn't that just a bit big and expensive-looking for a young couple to afford?
QUATRE: Especially since he's a construction worker and she's in retail... and they're in California.
DUO: Ehh, Sunnydale's on the Hellmouth. Property values have got to be lower than normal there.

[They discuss breakfast, in bed. And then... you guessed it...]

ANYA: The man that I plan to entangle, isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle, vengeance was mine!

LEGOLAS: That's disturbing, coming from an attractive woman in fluffy skimpy lingerie.
DUO: Fluffy skimpy _fifties_ lingerie. Can't he buy her something from Victoria's Secret?
QUATRE: It's a rather fifties-sounding song, too...

ANYA: But I'm out of the biz
The name I made I'll trade for his
The only trouble is--
uh, I'll never tell.

[She moves to one side and Xander gets up. Singing.]

DUO: His PJs are _seriously_ fifties! She should drag him to Adam and Eve.

XANDER: She is the one, she's such wonderful fun, such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I'm right in her sights, embraced I'd embrace
I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that--
no. I'll never tell.

DUO: Whaddaya wanna bet they spill it all, starting five seconds from now?

BOTH: 'Cause there's nothing to tell...

EVERYBODY: *snort* Sure!

ANYA: He snores.
XANDER: She wheezes.
ANYA: Say housework and he freezes.

DUO: And they're off!

[Icky cheese and a couple of other minor things are mentioned...]

ANYA: His penis got diseases from the Shumach tribe

HEERO: WHAT?!
DUO: *snicker* Ooh, we're bringing out the heavy guns now!
HEERO: _What_ did she say?!
MEL: A ghost gave him syphilis. He's better now.
HEERO: *wince*

XANDER: --Like her toes are kinda hairy

ARDETH: He's noticing toes when everything from the knees up looks like _that_?!

BOTH: But it's all very well
'Cause God knows I'll never tell!

WUFEI: YOU ALREADY HAVE!

ANYA: When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy
Now look, he's gettin' huffy
'Cause he knows that I know

CHRISTY: _Low_ blow! Striking at his manliness!
LEGOLAS: She's getting all the good shots in. Hairy toes and icky cheese can't compete.
WUFEI: And they sound annoyingly _happy_ about all this.

XANDER: She clings, she's needy
She's also really greedy
She never--
ANYA: His eyes are beady!
XANDER: This is my verse, hello!

CHRISTY: Of course she's greedy. She's an ex-demon.
MEL: And she does the Dance of Capitalist Triumph every night when she closes up the shop. *snicker*

XANDER: She--
ANYA: Look at me, I'm dancing crazy!

MEL: She's also extremely self-centred and hates not being the centre of attention... but he's never going to get to say it at this rate.
CHRISTY: Isn't that also one of the criteria for being a demon?
MEL: Guess so.

[Xander and Anya break into a dance routine.]

TROWA: Is it my imagination, or is he trying to kick her?

[Everybody leans forward to peer at the screen, then sits back.]

WUFEI: I think he just isn't controlling his kicks very well.
HEERO: I'm not surprised he's a poor dancer. He can't sing, either!
QUATRE: He's not doing too badly! At least... he's trying...
LEGOLAS: Xander has a decent song but a bad voice, whereas Tara has an excellent voice but was stuck with an _awful_ song.

XANDER: You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm and supple--
tight embrace!

CHRISTY: Nearly let out a non-PC word or two there, eh?! *snicker*
HEERO: Ugh. They're getting sappy.
MEL: 'S okay. It won't last long... see?

XANDER: Will our life become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
ANYA: Will I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?

EVERYONE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ARDETH: Who's David Brinkley?

[The song ends with lots of repetitions of 'I'll never tell' and variations on that theme, and they collapse laughing onto a sofa. Scene cut to Xander and Anya walking along a street with Giles.]

XANDER: It's a nightmare. It's a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague!
ANYA: It has to be stopped. It was like we were being watched...
XANDER: My eyes are not beady!
ANYA: My toes are not hairy!
XANDER: Giles, you've gotta stop it!
GILES: Well, I'm looking into some leads, and--
ANYA: Clearly, our number is a retro pastiche. It's never going to be a breakaway pop hit!

DUO: Told you it was all fifties!

XANDER: Work with me, British man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it!

KRASHNARK (to Wufei): Why can't you take that attitude towards me?
WUFEI: *grrrrr*

GILES: Well, Xander, it's not quite that simple...

MEL: Yes it is! Applied violence can solve any problem!

[Discussing the singing epidemic, and some cases of spontaneous human combustion Giles thinks may be related, the trip walk past a woman serenading the cop giving her a parking ticket, dancing pedestrians, and three street sweepers doing what looks like a number out of Mary Poppins.]

DUO: There's no way in hell I could ignore all that stuff going on around me!

XANDER: As in, burnt up? Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts!
ANYA: I don't know... a couple more bars of our little ditty and _I_ would have been looking for a gas can.

MEL: Another point for ex-demon influence!

GILES: ...I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.

DUO: Oooh. If that ended up anything like opera, where dying people sing and sing and SING and never fall down until three verses and a chorus later, that could take _ages_.

XANDER: Okay. But we're sure the things are related, the dancing and singing and burning and dying?

HEERO: *snort* Now _there's_ a connection that leaps to the mind.

GILES: We're not sure of much. Well, Buffy's looking for leads at the local demon haunts. At least... in theory, she is. She doesn't seem to...
XANDER: She's easing back into it. We pulled her out of an untold hell dimension, ergo the weirdness. The important thing is to be there for her.

WUFEI: If I was pulled out of some sort of hellish dimension back to my home plane, I rather think I'd be _happy_ about it!
MEL & CHRISTY: Yep! *snicker*
WUFEI: ...Why are you two looking like that?
MEL & CHRISTY (grinning like Cheshire cats): No reason!
WUFEI: _Riiiiiight_.
CHRISTY: Okay! Spike stuff coming up! Everybody shaddap!
MEL: I've got the tissues!

[Spike's tomb home. Buffy arrives.]

SPIKE: The sun sets, and she appears. Come to serenade me?

HEERO: ...He's not bad looking-- er, I mean--
QUATRE: We know what you mean, Heero. Spike's a _hunk_.
DUO: Wonder if he'd be up for a foursome?
WUFEI: Duo! He's _fictional_!
DUO: So are we! It doesn't stop us from getting it on, why should it stop Spike? Oh, Hee-chan... acquisition mission!
MEL: *snicker* Not now! You're missing a good bit!

SPIKE: Drink? (holds out a BIG bottle of tequila)
BUFFY: A _world_ of no. So, any idea what's causing this?
SPIKE: Oh. So that's all. You just came to pump me for information.

CHRISTY: *sniff* Don't be sad, Spike! She doesn't deserve you anyway!

BUFFY: What else would I want to pump you for?

[Duo opens his mouth to answer _that_ line, and Quatre clamps his hand over it, snickering.]

BUFFY: ...I really just said that, didn't I?

MEL & CHRISTY: YES!

SPIKE: Yeah, well, wouldn't want to bother you with small talk. Don't know a thing. (holds the door open)

MEL & CHRISTY: LEAVE! Shoo! Leave Spikey alone!

BUFFY: What's up? You're all bad-moody.

QUATRE: Now, _that_ was dense.
DUO: Yeah! He's _told_ her he loves her, she's shot him down every time -- nastily, too -- and now she wonders why he's unhappy 'cause she just wants him for his info?
MEL & CHRISTY: BITCH!

SPIKE (unconvincingly): Nothing. Glad you could stop by.

[Buffy stares at him.]

SPIKE: It's nothing!
BUFFY: What?

WUFEI: Well, if she doesn't like what she hears, she can't say she didn't ask for it...

SPIKE: ...I died
So many years ago
You can make me feel
Like it isn't so

TROWA: ..._Good_ singing voice.
MEL & CHRISTY: *sigh!* yeah...

SPIKE: And why you come to be with me
I think I finally know...

MEL: She's a sadist who likes tormenting you with her unattainable presence!

SPIKE: You're scared
Ashamed of what you feel
And you can't tell the ones you love
You know they couldn't deal

CHRISTY: *whimper* Oooh, sexy eyes!

SPIKE: Whisper in a dead man's ear
It doesn't make it real...

DUO: Doesn't make it _not_ real, either!

SPIKE: That's great
But I don't wanna play

MEL: So don't!
CHRISTY: Come play with us!
DUO: We'll be nice to you!
QUATRE: I'll bake cookies!
TROWA: QUATRE!
QUATRE: True, he wouldn't want them...
TROWA: That's not what I meant!

SPIKE: 'Cause bein' with you touches me
More than I can say
And since I'm only dead to you
I'm sayin' stay away
And let me rest in peace!

[The music shifts from a ballad into hard rock, and Mel and Christy squeak happily.]

SPIKE: Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down, but I can't find my sweet release
So let me rest in peace!

[Buffy heads for the door and Spike blocks her.]

HEERO: He wants her to leave but he stops her from going? He should make up his mind!
CHRISTY: You're telling us?!
MEL: He's conflicted, poor boy!
DUO: Let her leave! (mutter) _I'll_ give him some release...
WUFEI: Duo!
DUO: What?! Tell me you weren't thinking the same thing!
WUFEI: ...*ahem!*

SPIKE: You know
You got a willin' slave
And you just love to play the thought
That you might misbehave

MEL: *rowr!*
CHRISTY: Look at her trying to pretend he's wrong... ha!

SPIKE: But 'til you do I'm telling you
Stop visitin' my grave
And let me rest in peace!

[The music shifts to something that's almost a hymn, and the scene cuts to a graveyard with a funeral party carrying a coffin.]

SPIKE: I know
I should go
But I follow you
Like a man possessed
There's a traitor here
Beneath my breast
And it hurts me more
Than you've ever guessed
If my heart could beat
It would break my chest
But I can see
You're unimpressed
So leave me be

[Mel and Christy grab tissues and start sobbing into them-- hard rock music again-- and Spike jumps onto the coffin and stands there looking _sooooo_ cool.]

SPIKE: And let me rest in peace!
Let me get some sleep

[The pallbearers drop the coffin. Oops. Spike rolls to his feet, goes vamp, and charges the funeral party.]

KRASHNARK: Now _that's_ an interesting effect.
MEL: *sniff* He's a vampire.
KRASHNARK: Ah! I see. Definitely my sister's business.
DUO: Go Spike! Yaaaaay!

SPIKE: Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole six foot deep
I can lay my body down but I can't find my sweet release

[Buffy yanks him away from the priest, and they fall into the open grave with Buffy on top.]

ARDETH: And this is the woman who keeps saying she doesn't want him?
QUATRE: Yep!
ARDETH: For one thing, she's an idiot. For another, she's not acting like she doesn't want him right now!

SPIKE: So let me rest in peace!
Why won't you let me rest in peace?

TROWA: He can still sing after landing flat on his back like that? I'm impressed!

[Buffy jumps out of the grave and runs for it. Spike pops up, looking worried, as the music trails off.]

SPIKE: So... you're not staying, then?

EVERYBODY: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! *sniff!*

[Heero and Wufei look embarrassed, but everyone else is too busy passing the tissue box around to notice that they joined in.]

DUO: *sniff* I have two things to say about that. Thing number one: I want a coffin like that, and some guys to carry me around on it.
MEL: *sniff* Sounds reasonable. What's thing number two?
DUO (leering): Heero? Wufei? _Fetch_.
CHRISTY (muttering): We know who rules the roost in _that_ threesome!

[Scene change to Dawn's room. She and Tara are talking about the obvious subject.]

TARA: Willow said they have a lead on the whole musical extravaganza evil-- this demon that can be summoned, some sort of Lord of the Dance. Uh, but not the scary one. Just a demon.

LEGOLAS: I saw that! On TV! Michael Flatley is worse than Sauron! At least Sauron isn't _catchy_! I couldn't get those tunes out of my head for _days_...

[Then Dawn lets the cat out of the bag by mentioning the fight Tara and Willow had about Willow using too much magic-- a fight Tara doesn't remember.]

DUO: BUSTED!

TARA: Dawn, I, um... there's something I need at the shop. Will you be okay for a little while?
DAWN: Yes. The fifteen-year-old _can_ spend half an hour alone in her _locked_ house.
TARA: I--I--I won't be gone long.

CHRISTY: There's another one of those lines you should never say!
ARDETH: Which one? "I'll be fine alone for half an hour" or "I won't be gone long"?
CHRISTY: Both. They're asking for trouble again!
KRASHNARK: True, but if they didn't, this wouldn't be nearly as interesting. More popcorn, anyone?

[Tara leaves, and Dawn wanders over to her jewellery box and opens it.]

DUO: Sheesh. She's been pinching a _lot_ of things from the shop, hasn't she?
ARDETH: And they're probably all magical items! Is she suicidal, or just stupid?

[She takes the pendant she took earlier out of the box and puts it on, looking sad.]

DAWN: Does anybody even notice?

HEERO (scowling): I think this is another part we should be fast-forwarding through.
MEL: No, no, it's okay, trust me.

DAWN: Does anybody even care? --EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

[Three weirdo demon minions with heads like velintroquists' puppets pop up and kidnap her.]

=COMMERCIAL BREAK=

QUATRE: *blink* ...Well, _that_ was unexpected.
ARDETH: Not by me it wasn't!
MEL: See, Heero? She didn't get to really launch into the 'poor little attention-starved me' number.
CHRISTY: Thank the gods for small favours!
WUFEI: I am!
KRASHNARK: You're welcome.
WUFEI: You had nothing to do with it!
KRASHNARK: Are you sure about that? I _am_ a god, after all.
WUFEI: And you didn't even know this program existed until twenty minutes ago! Shut up and watch.
KRASHNARK: It's ads again. I can talk all I want.
WUFEI: *grrrrrrr*
CHRISTY (busily fast-forwarding): Play nice, boys.
KRASHNARK: I'm trying, but he won't cooperate!
WUFEI: Our definitions of 'playing nice' are _very_ different.
MEL: Okay, here we go again! No more Spike for a while, but this next bit is good... after you get past the bad sixties semi-ballet dance routine with dawn and the minions, that is.

[Dawn wakes up on top of a pool table, and she and the minions start a bad... ehh, Mel said it.]

HEERO: At least she isn't singing.
QUATRE: This music sounds like something out of the Nutcracker Suite.
DUO: You mean, with rats and mice and toy soldiers all dancing?
QUATRE: And bunnies! *snicker*
CHRISTY: Quatre, you have a bunny fetish.
QUATRE: It's not my fault!
CHRISTY: I know what we're dressing _you_ up as at Halloween.

[A minion swings Dawn around and slides her along the floor to the base of a stage. She looks up and sees... feet. In tap shoes, with baggy red suit pants above 'em. The music changes, and the feet start tapping.]

CHRISTY: Gotta love a man -- er, demon -- in a bright red zoot suit!

DEMON: Why'd you run away?
Don't you like my
Style? Ah!

CHRISTY: BLUE zoot suit! *heh* _I_ like his style.
DUO: Magical quick-change artist! Cool!

[The demon has dark red skin and a goatee beard. And style. Did we mention style?]

QUATRE: He's _definitely_ not a bunny.
LEGOLAS: Anya's going to have to scrap her theory, I guess.

DEMON: Why don't you come and play?
I guarantee a
Great big smile!

[He rips his mouth off and it sings the last line from his hand.]

QUATRE: Ewwwww!
ARDETH: Now that's an interesting advance on dentures.

DEMON: I come from the
Imagination
And I'm here strictly by your
Invocation

ARDETH: HA! See? I _told_ you what was going to happen if she kept meddling with magical artifacts!
CHRISTY: Yes, dear, we know. And you were right, dear.
MEL: Maybe. *snicker*

DEMON: So whaddaya say?
Why don't we dance a while?

CHRISTY: I'll dance with him! Damn, he's sexy for a demon.
LEGOLAS: A bald demon, at that.
KRASHNARK: At least he's the good sort of bald, not the halfway-there type with a combover.
MEL: So, Krashy baby, are you saying you like him too?
KRASHNARK (looking at Wufei): Hm. He's interesting, but not my type.
WUFEI: *grrrrr*

[The demon keeps singing -- basically, about how great and musical he is -- while his minions do the backup dancers thing.]

QUATRE: They're better dancers than the vampire-and-demon chorus line at the beginning, but the puppet heads make it all look _very_ surreal.

DEMON: You call me and I come a-runnin'
I turn the music on
I bring the fun in
Now we're partying
That's what it's all about.

[Dawn gets up and starts dancing with him, looking rather alarmed by all this.]

DEMON: 'Cause I know what you feel, girl
I know just what you feel, girl
DAWN (hopefully): So, you're like a good demon? Bringing the fun in?

DUO: Fun? Good? Get a clue, girl! You live on the Hellmouth! He's a demon! What makes you think he's going to be _good_?!
QUATRE: Well, not all demons are evil in this show--
KRASHNARK: And elsewhere! (smirks at Wufei)
WUFEI: *grrrrr*
QUATRE: --so she has a point. And there is that good demon on 'Charmed'.
TROWA: ...Quatre. _Please_ tell me you don't watch Charmed.
QUATRE: *aheh* Er... I don't watch Charmed?
ARDETH: That wasn't very convincing, Quatre.
QUATRE: Well, I don't get much practice at lying. Um. Heh.
CHRISTY: Moving right along!

DEMON: All these melodies
They go on
Too long
Then that energy
Starts to come on
Way too strong

DUO: Ha! See? He's not a good demon!
QUATRE (sulkily): Hmph.

DEMON: All those hearts lay open that *mmmf*-ing
*mmmf* some customers just die combusting

WUFEI: Well, _that's_ good diction. *snort* Did anyone else understand that?
MEL: We were hoping one of you guys would catch it and tell us!
KRASHNARK: I like the way the carbonised corpse fell out of the door and then just vanished. An effective demonstration of what he's talking about, without leaving a mess.

DEMON: That's the penalty
When life is but a song!
You brought me down and doomed this town
So when we blow this scene
Back we will go to my kingdom below
And you will be my queen!

ARDETH: ...I KNEW IT!
DUO: Damn, Ardeth, maybe we should get you to pick us some Lotto numbers!
ARDETH: Exactly! Um... what's Lotto?
QUATRE: Looks like he can do the quick-change trick on other people's clothes, too. Nice dress she's got now.

DEMON: 'Cause I know what you feel, girl!
DAWN: No, you see
You and me
Wouldn't be very legal
DEMON: I'll make it real, girl!
DAWN: What I mean
I'm fifteen
So this queen thing's illegal

ARDETH: He's a demon. He wants a bride. I _don't_ think he's worried about the legality of the situation!

DEMON: I can bring whole cities to ruin
And still have time to get a soft-shoe in

CHRISTY: My kinda demon!

DAWN: Well that's great
But I'm late
And I'd hate to delay her

MEL: And he's _definitely_ not worried about her schedule. Duh.

DEMON: Something's cookin', I'm at the griddle
I bought Nero his very first fiddle

HEERO: Fiddles weren't invented when Rome burned. Hn! _Told_ you this didn't have any intellectual content.

[Duo, Wufei and Krashnark all hit him in the back of the head simultaneously.]

DAWN: She'll get pissed
If I'm missed
See, my sister's the Slayer...

[The music comes to an abrupt halt.]

DEMON: ...the Slayer?
DAWN: Yeahuh.

DUO: Nice new word she invented there!

DEMON: Hehhehheh. (to the minions) Find her. Tell her... tell her everything. Just get her here. I wanna see the Slayer _burn_.

QUATRE: *sigh* All right, he's _definitely_ not a good demon! Or a bunny. But he _is_ pretty cool.

DEMON: Now we're partyin'
That's what it's all about *heh*

=COMMERCIAL BREAK=

HEERO: All right, we have a demonic Lord of the Dance making people into cinders, a lovesick vampire, lots of silly songs, a Slayer who isn't acting happy about being dragged back to the living out of some ort of hell, and a Magi who's demonstrated that he can predict plot twists. What next?
CHRISTY: You'll see, Hee-chan.
MEL: Don't tell me you're acctually starting to get into this, Hee-chan.
HEERO: *snort* Of course not!
DUO: Sure, Hee-chan. Anything you say. *snicker*
QUATRE: We believe you. *snicker*
DUO: And we won't tell anyone if you just _happen_ to be in the room working on your laptop when we're watching Buffy in future.
HEERO: _Hn_.
CHRISTY: Okay, here we go again!
KRASHNARK: More Spike bits? I have to admit I rather like him.
MEL: Not yet, but Giles gets his turn in the spotlight, and he's not bad.
LEGOLAS: I would have thought he was too old for you two to be interested.
CHRISTY: Old, schmold, he's got a sexy voice.

[Legolas looks skeptical.]

MEL: And he knows all sorts of cool stuff.

[Legolas still looks skeptical.]

CHRISTY: And he can use a battleaxe with flair.
LEGOLAS: Oh, well, that's reasonable then.
MEL: Being sexy has nothing to do with someone's age. Heck, _you're_ a lot older than Giles is, and I bet you're not going to say _you're_ not sexy.
LEGOLAS: I don't _look_ older than he does. *hmph*
CHRISTY: Sean Connery is old enough to be my grandfather, and he's definitely sexy.
MEL: Sexier than when he was young, too, that's for sure!
DUO: Can we get _on_ with it?! You guys can discuss the relative sexiness of all sorts of people _later_!
CHRISTY (mutter): Ardeth is sexy. You're just bish.

[Duo grabs the remote and hits 'play'.]

DUO: And I am too sexy!
HEERO & WUFEI (mutter): _Definitely_.

[Buffy kicks through a board Giles is holding.]

GILES: Good. Good!
BUFFY: I feel like I should bow, or have honour, or something.

WUFEI: *grrrrr*

GILES: It may seem hokey--

WUFEI: *snarl!*

GILES: --but we need to work on precision and concentration as much as power. We're still not sure what we're facing.
BUFFY: We'll work it out. I'm just worried this whole session is going to turn into some training montage from an 80s movie.
GILES: Ah, well, if we hear the inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down until they go away.

WUFEI: Knowing it's coming hasn't stopped anyone from singing yet... and, judging by what's happened so far, what they've just said practically guarantees that something musical will happen.

GILES: Anyway, I don't think we need to work that much on your strength.
BUFFY: Yeah, I'm pretty spry for a corpse!
GILES: ...Have you spoken to Dawn about that incident at Halloween?
BUFFY: Oh. I thought you took care of that?
GILES: ...Right.
BUFFY: What would I do without you?

HEERO: Well, she's negative and unenthusiastic, and he's worried.

BUFFY: Okay, I'm ready.

[Giles walks over to a rack of knives and other pointy things... and the music starts.]

DUO: Hey, is that a spiked cross?! Cool!
WUFEI: Thought so. Knowing the 'musical extravaganza evil' is going on doesn't make you immune!

GILES: You're not ready
For the world outside
You keep pretending
But you just can't hide

CHRISTY: Told you. _Great_ voice.

GILES: I know I said that I'd be standing by your side
But I...

[He throws a knife at Buffy, and she bats it aside.]

TROWA: Catherine would have got through her guard.

[Giles keeps singing (well) as he throws a few more knives at Buffy and she moves into slow-motion exercises, about how he wants to stay, but she'll never get back to relying on herself if he keeps helping her with everything.]

GILES: I wish I could say the right words
To lead you through this land
Wish I could play the father
And take you by the hand...

DUO: Sugar daddy, you mean!
MEL: *snicker* That reminds me. Have you seen BabyPen's drawing of 'Pimp Daddy Quatre'?
QUATRE: WHAT?!
MEL: I take it that's a 'no'.
CHRISTY: Yeah, you look really cool! *snicker* We'll have to print it out and hang it on the wall...
QUATRE: She drew me as WHAT?!
TROWA: This I have to see.

GILES: Wish I could stay
But now I understand
I'm standing in the way...

[The scene momentarily cuts to Tara hurrying upstairs to the main book section, and then back to Giles walking around singing as Buffy works out.]

DUO: *sniff* That poor innocent punching bag! *snicker*

GILES: Wish I could stay
Your stalwart standing fast
But I'm standing in the way
I'm just standing in the way...
BUFFY: Did you just say something?

ARDETH: So... Xander and Anya could hear each other singing, because it was funnier that way, but Buffy didn't even notice Giles's number?
CHRISTY: Yep. It's more dramatically appropriate that way. Especially since part of what he was just singing about was how she doesn't notice non-demonic problems any more because she knows he'll take care of them!

[Scene change: Tara flips through a book until she finds a picture of the flower that was under her pillow.]

'Lethe's Bramble: used for augmenting spells of forgetting and mind control.'

DUO: BUSTED! Damn, there's a lot of bustage going on in this episode!
HEERO: ...'bustage'?
DUO: Hey, if Dawn can invent the word 'yeahuh', I can invent 'bustage'.
WUFEI: Sounds like something to do with women's underwear.

TARA: I'm under your spell
God, how can this be?
Playing with my memory...

WUFEI: This is scary. Anya and Xander probably have the most normal relationship on this show.
TROWA: How so?
WUFEI: Willow's messing with Tara's mind, Buffy is severely dependent on Giles, Spike is in love with a woman who's revolted by him...
DUO: And she was actually born to slay his kind, which has got to put a crimp in any relationship. I see your point!

TARA: ...Willow don't you see?
There'll be nothing left of me
You made me believe...
GILES: Believe me I don't want to go
BOTH: And it'll grieve me because I love you so
We both know
GILES: Wish I could say the right words--
TARA: Wish I could trust that it was just this once--

[They continue to sing, two different melodies weaving around each other.]

QUATRE: ...Okay. _This_ song is _good_.
MEL: Ooo. Counterpoint!

BOTH: Wish I could stay...

HEERO: So... Giles is leaving because Buffy's trying to get him to control her life, and Tara is leaving because Willow is trying to control hers?
CHRISTY: Looks like it!
HEERO: Hn. Ironic.
MEL: Now, if we could just get _Spike_ to leave...
CHRISTY: He'd have so much more fun with us!
KRASHNARK: Speak of the vampire and he appears. *snicker*

[Spike shoves one of the puppet-headed minions in the door.]

SPIKE: Looky looky what I found.
TARA: Is this the demon guy?
WILLOW (happily): Tara!

[Tara avoids her eyes and Willow starts to look worried.]

SPIKE: Works for him. Has a nice little story for the Slayer, don't you? Come on, then. Sing!

[The minion draws himself up as swelling chords rise in the background.]

WUFEI: Gods, no, this sounds like something out of The Sound Of Music!
HEERO: No. NO! Fast forward--!

[And the music cuts off.]

MINION: My master has the Slayer's sister hostage at the Bronze, because she summoned him, and at midnight he's going to take her to the Underworld to be his queen.

DUO: ...Whaddaya know. The one time somebody gets _told_ to sing, and he doesn't do it!
MEL: Wellll, I guess minions just don't rate singing parts.

GILES: What does he want?
MINION: Her! (points at Buffy)

CHRISTY: Everybody wants Buffy except for us!

SPIKE: Ha! Well, if that's all you're going to say, then I'll-- WHOA!

[The minion hooks his arm and shoves him away, then bolts out the door.]

SPIKE: ...Strong. Some day he'll be a _real_ boy.

DUO: *snicker* What did Snow White say to Pinnochio? "Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell--"

[A minor scuffle ensues as less prurient-minded people try to get Duo to shut up. Needless to say, Mel and Christy aren't helping.]

BUFFY: Oh. Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.
TARA: I just left her for a few minutes--
BUFFY: It's not your fault.

ARDETH: No, it's all her own fault for poking around with magical artifacts!

BUFFY: So. What's the plan?
XANDER: Plan, schman, let's mount up!
GILES: No.
ANYA: Ah... Dawn may have had the wrong idea in summoning this creature, but I've seen some of these Underworld child-bride deals. They never end well! ...Maybe once.

KRASHNARK: When I saw Hades and Persephone at the last Pan-Deity conference, they were getting along quite well! ...Hm. Their anniversary's coming up. I should send something.

WILLOW: We're not just going to stay here?
GILES: Yes, we are. Buffy's going alone.

MEL: Giles, pal, we know Buffy needs to start standing on her own two feet again, but this is just a _bit_ abrupt. Kind of like throwing a novice swimmer into the deep end of a piranha tank without floaties.

SPIKE: Oh, come-- Don't be a stupid git! There's no--
GILES: When I want your opinion, Spike, I'll... I don't want your opinion.

CHRISTY: *sniff* Everyone's so _mean_ to our Spikey!

WILLOW: A little confusion spell could--
TARA: _No_! ...I mean... I don't think it'll help.

DUO: Oops! Pushed a button there.

SPIKE: Look, forget it, Slayer. I've got your back.
BUFFY: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you.

CHRISTY: *sniff* And she's _really_ mean to our Spikey.
MEL: Bitch!

BUFFY: Isn't that what you sang?
XANDER: Spike sang a widdle song?

MEL: Yeah! And it was a better song than yours, and he sings better! Nyah!

ANYA: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number?
XANDER: Let it go, sweetie.

CHRISTY: She can't. It involves money-making potential. *snicker*
MEL: And it was a hit! Nyah!

SPIKE: Fine. I hope you dance 'til you burn... you _and_ the little bit.

[He stalks out.]

LEGOLAS: That wasn't very nice, coming from somebody who says he loves her.
HEERO: Hn. I understand _all_ about saying cruel things you don't mean when you're scared or hurt.
DUO: So... Hee-chan... does this mean you're starting to sympathise with Spike?
HEERO: .....................All right. I like Spike. But I'm not going to say it ever again, okay?!

[Duo glomps him happily.]

BUFFY: You're really not coming.
GILES: It's up to you, Buffy.
BUFFY: What do you expect me to do?

CHRISTY: DIE!
MEL: BURN!

GILES: Your best.

CHRISTY: Ah, jeez, Giles, that's so wishy-washy!
MEL: And not nearly fatal enough.

[Scene cut to a dark street with dancing pedestrians -- looking like something out of 'Fame' -- and fires burning in oil drums.]

BUFFY: I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it's black
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
I want the fire back!

DUO: If she sang 'Disco Inferno', would that help?

[He's temporarily buried under a barrage of cushions.]

BUFFY: Now through the smoke she calls to me

[The demon lord shoves Dawn into a blocky throne next to his and sits down, leering at her.]

ARDETH: Why rescue her? She's just going to do something stupid and get into trouble again!

BUFFY: To make my way across the flame
To save the day
Or maybe melt away
I guess it's all the same

MEL: We're voting for option B!

BUFFY: So I will walk through the fire
'Cause where else can I turn?
I will walk through the fire
And let it--

MEL, CHRISTY & DUO: BURN!

[Scene change to a different alley.]

SPIKE: The torch I bear is scorching me
Buffy's laughing I've no doubt
I hope she fries

MEL & CHRISTY: YAY!

SPIKE: I'm free if that bitch dies--
I'd better help her out.

DUO (smacks head): Jeez, Spike, pick a course of action and stick to it!

[Multiple scene changes.]

DEMON: 'Cause she is drawn to the fire
Some people never learn
SPIKE: She will never learn
BOTH: And she will walk through the fire
And let it--

MEL, CHRISTY & DUO: BURN! Come on, somebody say it!

GILES: Will this do a thing to change her?
Am I leaving Dawn in danger?
Is my Slayer too far gone to care?

MEL & CHRISTY: *starry-eyed* Oooo...
DUO: _Nice_ deep voice there Giles m'man!

XANDER: What if Buffy can't defeat it?
ANYA: Beady-eyes is right, we're needed
...or we could just sit around and glare.

QUATRE: I hope she starts singing about bunnies again!

[It's Quatre's turn to be buried under cushions.]

CHORUS: We'll see it through
It's what we're always here to do
So we will walk through the fire

CHRISTY: *snicker* Tara just looks stoned.
MEL: I think she's trying for 'depressed yet determined'.
WUFEI: It's not working.

[Back to Buffy.]

BUFFY: So one by one they turn from me

LEGOLAS: Spike offered to go with you, but nooooo, you had to be nasty to him.

BUFFY: I guess my friends can't face the cold
TARA: What can't we face?
BUFFY: But why I froze
Not one among them knows
TARA: Together?
BUFFY: And never can be told.

DUO: Okay... we have another 'I'll never tell' sort of line. I doubt this secret will stay untold any longer than the last lot!
HEERO: What secret?
MEL, CHRISTY, DUO & Q (all the regular Buffy-watchers): You'll find out!

[Cool montage shots of everyone walking through the night, plus the demon.]

ANYA: She came from the grave much graver

ARDETH: I think that usually happens with resurrections. At least she isn't lurching and rotting!

DEMON: So one by one they come to me
SPIKE: First I'll kill her, then I'll save her!

MEL & CHRISTY: YAY SPIKE!
DUO: Just kill her! She won't need saving then!

TARA: Everything is turning out so dark
SPIKE: No, I'll save her, _then_ I'll kill her!

MEL: Oh, okay, so long as she ends up dead!
CHRISTY: Spike's finally got the right idea!

WILLOW: I think this line's mostly filler

EVERYBODY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

GILES: What's it going to take to strike a spark?
BUFFY: These endless days are finally ending in a blaze
DEMON: She will come to me...
CHORUS: And we are caught in the fire
The point of no return
So we will walk through the fire

[Good shot of the Scooby Gang striding along a street with fire engines speeding across behind them.]

CHORUS: And let it burn...

DUO: Hey, they finally said it!

CHORUS: Let it burn

[Spike climbs over a fence and leaps off, coat swirling.]

CHRISTY: Oooooo, Spikey looks so cool when he does that!
MEL: He can climb _my_ fence any time he wants to!

CHORUS: Let it burn
Let it burn!

[Buffy kicks the door to the Bronze down.]

DEMON: Showtime.

=COMMERCIAL BREAK=

CHRISTY: Now, _that's_ an entrance.
MEL: Yep. We may be ticked off at Buffy for the way she's treating poor Spikey, but we gotta admit she knows how to be dramatic when it's needed!
DUO: *hmph* I can do better entrances than that.
CHRISTY: Yeah, but you need a Gundam to do them with. She doesn't.
DUO: *grumble*

[Fast-forwarding happens quickly, and soon the peanut gallery are watching Buffy walk slowly into the Bronze.]

DEMON: I love a good entrance.
BUFFY: How are you at death scenes?

TROWA: He's very good at other people's death scenes, we know that.

BUFFY: You got a name?
DEMON: I've got a hundred.
BUFFY: Well, I have to know what to call you if you're going to be my brother-in-law.
DAWN: Buffy, I swear I didn't do it!

ARDETH: _Sure_ you didn't.

BUFFY: Don't worry. You're not going anywhere. I am.
DAWN: What?!
BUFFY: Deal's this. I can't kill you, you take me to Hellsville in her place.

WUFEI: ...That's either noble self-sacrifice, or a copout. I just can't work out which!
CHRISTY: My vote says copout.
MEL: _My_ vote says she _thinks_ it's noble self-sacrifice, but it's really a subconscious copout.
DUO: Definitely a copout. Her friends won't play crutch any more, so she's taking her bat and ball and going ho-- er... to Hell. Which is _really_ cutting off her nose to spite her face.
LEGOLAS: Maybe she can plead temporary insanity?
CHRISTY: You've been watching courtroom dramas again, haven't you?
LEGOLAS: I take the Fifth!
MEL: You're in _Australia_. That doesn't work here.
LEGOLAS: ...Damn.

DEMON: What if _I_ kill _you_?
BUFFY: Trust me. Won't help.

KRASHNARK: She's been getting practice at coming back!

DEMON: Hm! That's gloomy.
BUFFY: That's life.
DEMON: *chuckle* Come now. Is that really how you feel? Isn't life a miraculous thing?

WUFEI: ...Do you get the feeling he knows something we don't?
HEERO, TROWA & ARDETH: Yes.
DUO & QUATRE (grinning): No.
HEERO: And what's _that_ supposed to mean?
QUATRE: We've seen the previous episodes. We know the secret!

BUFFY: I think you already know.

MEL: Yep, he knows something you boys don't, and _she_ knows it.

[And happy bright piano music starts.]

BUFFY: Life's a show
And we all play our parts
And when the music starts
We open up our hearts

HEERO: Is this going to be bad?
MEL: Well... not the singing.
CHRISTY: The dancing kind of sucks, though. She needed a better choreographer.

BUFFY: It's all right
If some things come out wrong
We'll sing a happy song
And you can sing along

CHRISTY: Nice sweet happy music to beat up the minions to!
WUFEI: She doesn't look as happy as the lyrics suggest.
DUO: Big surprise, 'Fei-babe. She's been Miss Prozac all episode!

[The minions attack, and the promised beating happens in time to the music.]

BUFFY: Where there's life (whack)
There's hope (hit)
Every day (elbow)
A gift (kick)
Wishes can (etcetera)
Come true
And so on
You work (thud)
So hard (thud)
All day (THUD)

[And there's nobody left to beat up.]

BUFFY: To be like other girls...

WUFEI (uneasily): Actually, she's starting to look extremely _grim_.

[The Scooby Gang arrives.]

BUFFY: To fit in in this glittering world.
Don't give me songs
GILES: She needs backup! Anya, Tara--

DUO: There's nobody left to hit!
TROWA: Not that sort of backup, I think.

BUFFY: Don't give me songs...

[Anya and Tara scoot across to stand behind Buffy and do backup 'aah'ing and dancing.]

DUO: Ah. Right. Duh.

BUFFY: Give me something to sing about!
I need something to sing about!

CHRISTY: I wanna know how they knew what steps to do.
HEERO: *snort* Maybe this is their standard 'Confront the Demon' dance?
MEL: It's right there in the list of 'Things I Learned From The Movies', guys!

[She brandishes a piece of paper.]

MEL: See? Right after 'All ventilation shafts in an enemy command centre will be unguarded and big enough to crawl through', it says 'If I suddenly take it into my head to start singing and dancing, all the bystanders will know the words and steps to join in with'.
CHRISTY: ...A-huh. Right. Shut up and watch.

[There's a short burst of snappy music and rather stupid-looking dancing. Everybody stares at the screen in disbelief. Then it stops.]

BUFFY: Life's a song
You don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse

WUFEI: And now the song is going less happy-happy to match her expression.

BUFFY: Still my friends
Don't know why I ignore
The million things or more
I should be dancing for.

DUO: A-yup. Thought so. One big secret coming out, any time now...
CHRISTY: You're so bright, Duo.
DUO: Just betting on the trend. Besides, I know what the secret is, 'cause--
HEERO: --you've seen the previous episodes, yes, we know.

BUFFY: All the joy
Life sends
Family
And friends
All the twists
And bends
Knowing that
It ends
Well that
Depends
On if they let you go...
On if they know enough to know
That when you bow
You leave the crowd...

[The Scooby Gang are now looking _very_ worried.]

DUO: Well, of course they are! This is a pretty ominous turn for the song to be taking!

[Duo, you're not supposed to be MSTing the scene descriptions. In fact, you're not supposed to know they're there.]

DUO: Oops! My bad. *snicker*

[Buffy walks up on stage to face the demon, and the music slows and quietens.]

BUFFY: There was no pain...
No fear, no doubt
'Til they pulled me out
Of Heaven...

[The Scooby Gang -- especially Willow, no surprise there -- look horrified as she turns to sing to them.]

HEERO: ...Whoa.
TROWA: That explains a lot.
WUFEI: Definitely.
DUO: 'Ooops' is the word here, I think!

BUFFY: So that's my refrain
I live in Hell
'Cause I've been expelled
From Heaven.
I think I was in Heaven...

LEGOLAS: Definitely 'oops'.
ARDETH: Double 'oops'!
CHRISTY: Well, we can always kill you again and see if you get back there!
MEL: Send us a postcard!
KRASHNARK (holding back sniggers): It's one of your religions that says 'the road to Hell is paved with good intentions', isn't it?

BUFFY: So give me something to sing about!
Please!
Give me something!

[She somersaults off the stage and starts dancing frantically as the music gets louder and faster. The demon sits forward eagerly as she begins to smoke-- and Spike steps out of nowhere and catches her.]

SPIKE: Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living...

MEL: Okay, you've saved her. Now kill her.

SPIKE: You'll get along.
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living...
You have to go on living
So one of us is living...

CHRISTY: Still waiting for you to kill her!
MEL: *sigh* He's got such a lovely voice...
CHRISTY: And right now he looks so sweet...
MEL: Even if he _is_ singing to HER.
CHRISTY: He needs to get over it and kill her.

DAWN: The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

[The demon applauds.]

DEMON: Now that was a show-stopping number. Not quite the fireworks that I was looking for--
WILLOW: Get out of here.
DEMON: Mmm, I smell _power_. I guess the little missus and I should be on our way.
GILES: That's never going to happen.
DEMON: *chuckle* I don't make the rules. _She_ summoned _me_.
DAWN: I _so_ did not!

DUO: Like, fer sure!
MEL: Can you imagine a valley girl sorceress? "Like, I can't summon demons. They're, like, so _grody_ and stuff... Except maybe if, like, they can help me do my homework. Fer shure!"
CHRISTY: Mel, that's _scary_.
MEL: *snicker* I know.

DAWN: He keeps saying that!
DEMON: You have my talisman on you, sweet thing...

[He points to the pendant.]

ARDETH: HA!

DAWN: Oh, but, no, I-I um, er... this, er, at the Magic Box, on the floor, I was, I was cleaning and I forgot, but, I didn't summon anything!

DUO: She's going to have to work on her excuses if she wants to keep stealing things.

DEMON: Well now, that's a twist.

KRASHNARK: Not used to having surprises sprung on _him_, is he?

GILES: If it was in the shop... then one of us probably...

[Everyone starts looking around at each other. Not surprisingly, Giles is looking at Willow until Xander hesitantly raises his hand.]

ANYA: Xander?!

ARDETH, DUO & QUATRE: _Xander_?!
DUO: Mister 'Give-me-an-axe-and-show-me-where-to-point-it' Xander?! That dweeb! It got out of hand and he was hoping somebody else would fix his little mistake before he had to confess, huh?

XANDER: Well, I didn't know what was going to happen!

ARDETH: And when you're thinking of doing something magical and you don't know what the results will be, the smart thing is to _not_ do it!
MEL: We told you Xander's moments of genius are very fleeting.

XANDER: I just thought there were going to be dances, and songs. I just wanted to make sure that we, we'd work out... get a happy ending.

WUFEI: And as a result, several people got burned worse than even Duo's marshmallow roasts usually end up.
QUATRE: _Bad_ Xander.

DEMON: *heh* I think everything worked out just _fine_.
XANDER: Does this mean that I have to... be your queen?

KRASHNARK: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DUO: Ahh, Xander, we always knew you were a closet queen!
QUATRE: *snicker*
CHRISTY: And there _was_ that episode a while back where he was complaining about always being 'Xander the Buttmonkey'!

DEMON: It's tempting... but I think we'll waive that clause, just this once.

KRASHNARK: *snicker* *choke* I'd waive it!

DEMON: Big smiles, everyone! You beat the bad guy.

[Music starts up again.]

DEMON: What a lot of fun
You guys have been real
Swell
And there's not a one
Who can say this
Ended well
All those secrets you've been concealing
Say you're happy now, once more with feeling!
Now I've gotta run
See you all
In Hell!

[He vanishes in swirling lights, and there's a long, uncomfortable pause as everyone avoids looking at each other.]

DUO: Bummer, huh?
MEL: I think the demon came out of this one looking best. He was just doing what he was _supposed_ to do!
TROWA: Looks like his influence is hanging on. The music's starting up again.

DAWN: Where do we go from here?
CHORUS: Where do we go from here?
GILES: The battle's done and we kind of won
CHORUS: So we sound our victory cheer

DUO: And go for a beer!

CHORUS: Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear
When we know home is near?

[They slowly move into line and take hands, then let go and walk apart.]

CHORUS: Understand we'll go hand in hand
But we'll walk alone in fear
GILES: Tell me!
CHORUS: Where do we go from here?

[Standing separately, they all face the same way and lift one hand to make a sweeping gesture.]

WUFEI: This is either going sappy or maudlin. Fast forward.
CHRISTY: Don't you dare!

CHORUS: When does the end appear?

[Spike looks at his hand as if he's just realised what he's doing, and snorts.]

SPIKE: Bugger this!

EVERYONE: GO SPIKE!

[The others keep singing as he stalks out.]

BUFFY: Hey.
SPIKE: You should go back inside. Finish the big group sing, get your Kumbaiyayahs out.

WUFEI: Kumbaiyayahs?!
QUATRE: *snicker* That's even better than bunnies!

BUFFY: I don't want to.
SPIKE: The day you suss out what you _do_ want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones!

MEL: He's got a point.
CHRISTY: _Now_ can he kill her?

BUFFY: Spike--
SPIKE: Look, you don't have to say anything--

[And the music starts and they move towards each other...]

BUFFY: I touch the fire and it freezes me
SPIKE: I died
BUFFY: I look into it and it's black
SPIKE: Many years ago
BUFFY: This isn't real
But I just wanna feel...
SPIKE: You can make me feel...

[They kiss. Passionately. Enthusiastically. Seriously.]

CHRISTY: EW! BUFFY GERMS!
DUO: Spike, no, she's not good enough for you!
MEL: You'll get Slayer cooties!
QUATRE: Kumbaiyayahs! *snicker*
HEERO: Quatre, you're the negotiator here. Forget about Kumbaiyayahs and bunnies and convince Spike to ditch her!
WUFEI: She obviously doesn't appreciate him properly.
CHRISTY: And you were objecting to him because he's fictional!
WUFEI: ...Duo had a point when he said we're fictional too. Besides, you heard that last line of hers! She's just using him!
CHRISTY: So I take it you want a foursome now?
KRASHNARK: Hey!
WUFEI: No! ...I just want to give Spike an opportunity to get away from that environment, take a clearheaded look at his life, and make his own decisions without too many hormones getting in the way of his intellect.
MEL: Riiiiiiiiiiight.
CHRISTY: We're believing _that_ one.

[A beeping noise in the background distracts everyone. Duo is dialing a number on the phone.]

DUO: Hi, yeah, is this the information desk? I need a phone number for Spike. No, just Spike, no last name.
HEERO: Duo... they're not going to have his--
DUO (ignoring him): No? Well, he might be listed under 'William the Bloody'. That was his previous name, and he doesn't strike me as the sort to bother updating his listing... uh-huh? Great! Thanks!

[He scribbles down a number, hangs up, and dials again.]

WUFEI: That can't have been the normal information number.
DUO: Nah. Hentai Stalking Onnas database. I got the number out of Mel's organiser.

[Mel tries to look innocent, but gets elbowed in the side by Christy.]

CHRISTY: Mel! We're not supposed to write that number down!
MEL: I couldn't remember it and we had to locate Fluffy!
CHRISTY: Well... okay.
DUO: Yeah, hi, is that Spike? Cool! My name's Duo, and there's a bunch of us here who think you've been having a rough deal. We've got a proposition for you...

 

----------------
(maybe) The End!
----------------

[And a little paper ghoul wobbles across the screen, singing 'grrrr-aaaaargh!']

 

Back to Mel & Christy's Fics (The Safehouse)

 


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