Bish Hunter-- errr, Bishonen and Bishojo Hunter Duo-- errr, Amy

‘Bish Hunter-- errr, Bishonen and Bishojo Hunter Duo-- errr, Amy’
~ or, Why You Shouldn’t Copy Mel And Christy’s Fics ~

 

Author: Mel and Christy with the help of Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, Ardeth, Legolas and Krashnark. ((redcap_storm@yahoo.com))
Category: AU, MST, Parody, Bashing Plagiarists
Pairings: 1x2x5, 3x4
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Yaoi, language, Plagiarist and bad plagiarism bashing.
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Don't claim to own them. Don't get any money for this. The Original Bish Hunter Duo story belongs to us, though.
Feedback: Yes, please.

------------

Key:
minor scene change (from person to person at the same place, etc): ----------
major scene change (at another place, some time later, etc): * * * * *
flashback or dream starting or ending: ~*~*~*~
thoughts (and the occasional sound effect): *Tadah!*
some more sound effects (little ones!): -tadah!-
electronics (phone, TV, intercom etc): <<Tadah!>>

Plagiarised version of fic: Tadah

------------------------------

 

 

 

‘Bish Hunter-- errr, Bishonen and Bishojo Hunter Duo-- errr, Amy’

~ or, Why You Shouldn’t Copy Mel And Christy’s Fics ~

 

 

QUATRE: Why shouldn’t you?

DUO: Why shouldn’t you what?

[Quatre points silently at the subtitle they’re sitting under.]

DUO: Ah. Right. Because they’ll do worse things than flame you.

QUATRE: ...like what?

DUO: Like, they’ll MST your stolen version of their fic. And they’ll be nasty about it.

QUATRE: So that’s what Christy meant when she said they wanted us to help them boil an ego alive! Hmmmmmm. This could be fun. I haven’t let my evil tendencies loose since the last time I tortured Heero in ‘Demon of Justice’…

[The assorted inhabitants of Mel and Christy’s household assemble on the writing couch. It isn’t really big enough for ten people, counting Krashnark and the extra eye-candy-- errr, Legolas and Ardeth-- so some of the boys are perched on the back of the sofa, Legolas is sitting on the floor sharpening his arrows, Mel is draped across a selection of male laps, and Christy is sitting on Krashnark’s lap making him hold her wool as she crochets.]

WUFEI: Isn’t this a little... crowded?

MEL & CHRISTY: We’re comfortable!

CHRISTY: Okay, boys, let’s get on with this! We don’t have all day here!

 

 

>>>Bishonen and Bishojo Hunter Amy

 

 

HEERO: Translation: “This is the prologue to Mel and Christy’s story ‘Bish Hunter Duo’, which I have copied and am now attempting to pass off as my own. If I add enough spelling mistakes to it, and insert myself in the main role, perhaps nobody will notice.”

CHRISTY: Go Heero! Go Heero!

MEL: I didn’t think you’d be so... enthusiastic, Hee-chan.

HEERO: *snort* I’ve read this travesty. I know what she wants to do to me.

 

 

>>>Amy: Hi everyone!

 

 

EVERYONE: Hiiiiiiiiiiii, Amy!

DUO: Boyfriend-stealing WITCH!

ARDETH: What?!

HEERO: We haven’t got to that part yet. We will.

CHRISTY: Now, now, Duo, you’re starting to sound like a teenage girl with her first crush. You know he only has eyes for you... and Wufei. Calm down.

MEL: No, let him keep going! I’m hoping he’ll get mad enough to go Shinigami and fillet her.

CHRISTY: I thought you were more amused than mad at this whole plagiarism thing?

MEL: I am. I just think it would be a very amusing thing to watch.

 

 

>>>Today I was watching Animal Planet

 

 

QUATRE: --reading Mel and Christy’s site on FF.Net--

 

 

>>>and then my warped writers mind started to turn its wheels..

 

 

DUO: --and I thought ‘gee, I wish I’d written that’--

 

 

>>>and lo and behold, this story was born!

 

 

TROWA: --stolen.

MEL: Note that the *cough* ‘author’ of this suffers from some form of multiple personality disorder. She thinks she’s several writers, not just one person. Alternatively, she could just be misplacing her apostrophes... but my theory is more fun.

 

 

>>>Silo: Oh joy...

 

 

KRASHNARK: Look, even your easily distracted imaginary mascot thinks this is a bad idea!

 

 

>>>Amy: Silo, go eat some nuts...

 

 

DUO (squeaky fake voice): “Does that mean I can eat you? After all, you must be nuts to think nobody would notice this. You have Mel and Christy listed in your ‘favourite authors’ section, fergodsakes!”

QUATRE: You mean, she HAD them listed until FF.Net BOOTED her! IN the ass, OFF the server...

CHRISTY: Er... there, there, Quatre. Want some Prozac?

MEL: Ritalin? General anaesthetic?

 

 

>>>Silo: O_O NUTS!? WHERE!?

 

 

QUATRE: Duh! Right in front of you, idiot!

MEL & CHRISTY: ...ohhhhh dear.

CHRISTY: Is it too late for us to change our minds and MST this by ourselves?

QUATRE: Yes! I’m getting into it.

 

 

>>>Amy: -___-;;;;;

 

 

WUFEI: I’m seeing embarrassment but no shame. Stupid onna.

 

 

>>>Disclamer: I don’t own Gundam Wing. Won’t, never will.

 

 

LEGOLAS: Don’t own this, either.

ARDETH: Won’t, never will.

 

 

>>>It’s owned by Bandai and Sotsu Agency and Sunrise.

 

 

QUATRE: And this is owned by Mel and Christy. Want to borrow my corporate lawyers, ladies?

CHRISTY: No, no, you boys are doing quite well. Keep it up. Krashy-baby... more yarn.

KRASHNARK: *sigh* Yes, Christy.

 

 

>>>Amy is own by me, Meg is owed by Meg, and Karen is owned by Karen.

 

 

HEERO: Obviously this... person... read somewhere that good authors try not to use the same word too many times in succession. She didn’t want to use ‘owned’ three times in the same sentence, so she fixed that little problem by introducing bad grammar and implying that Meg is trying to collect on a debt from herself.

WUFEI: Not to mention that these other onnas she mentions don’t feature in this bad imitation of a story.

 

 

>>>Warnings: Um...1xOC, 2xOC, 3xOC.

 

 

QUATRE: ...wait a minute. ‘3xOC’? MY Trowa is being hooked up with some... some... some HUSSY?!

HEERO: Hn. Probably Karen. I got stuck with Amy. I assume girlfriends for Duo and Trowa were supposed to turn up in later chapters.

QUATRE: So what are Wufei and I supposed to be doing? Nothing?

WUFEI: Standing around playing with ourselves, so far as I can tell.

MEL, CHRISTY & KRASHNARK: Can we watch?!

WUFEI: NO!

QUATRE: Maybe we’re supposed to be shoved off into an unobtrusive corner playing with each other--

MEL, CHRISTY & KRASHNARK: Can we watch?!

WUFEI: NO!

QUATRE: --while these HUSSIES play with OUR boyfriends! Hmph. She should have put ‘MS’ instead of ‘OC’.

ARDETH: MS? Mobile Suit?!

DUO: Mary Sue. I dunno if this qualifies, Q-man... Amy isn’t saving the world single-handed while we all gasp admiringly.

TROWA: Maybe she and her friends did all the fighting during the war while we all gasped admiringly.

 

 

>>>Sex implications. No, no lemons...I’m just implying that some messing around WAS happening. *winkwink*

 

 

[Heero gags quietly at the thought. Duo doesn’t bother to be quiet about it.]

 

 

>>>Key:

>>>minor scene changes (same scence, different character, etc.): ~~~~

>>>major sence changes (different time and place, different character, etc.): ~*~*~

>>>thoughts (and the occasional sound effect!): *Tadah!*

>>>some more sound effects (little ones!): -Tadah!-

>>>narration to the camera: //Tadah!\\

>>>Electronics (intercoms, loudspeakers, TVs, radios, etc.): `~Tadah!~`

 

 

WUFEI: Hm. No, onna, changing the symbols does not disguise the fact that this is Mel and Christy’s standard key to their formatting. Adding spelling mistakes and capitalising ‘Electronics’ doesn’t either.

 

 

>>>----------

>>>Prolouge

>>>----------

 

 

WUFEI: And neither does misspelling THAT!

DUO: I don’t understand why that bit’s misspelled, though. I mean... if she’s too lazy to write her own fic, she’d use cut and paste instead of typing in something that’s already there in the original. Wouldn’t she?

WUFEI: Rampant stupidity can explain anything.

DUO: True. True.

 

 

>>>SUNDAY- ABOYNE AIRPORT- SCOTLAND- 1:30 A.M.

 

 

HEERO: Right. Change countries. Obviously this can’t be the same fic, since it’s set somewhere else... even though you kept the precise formatting of that header.

 

 

>>>The only reason why Amy wasn’t dragging her duffel bag behind her was because the strap was too short and it would’ve clonked against her heels every time she stepped. She was cold, tired, bruised in places mentionable and unmentionable, and all she wanted was to get home.

 

 

DUO: Ha! Justice is served. She’s got more bruises than I did. Mine were only in unmentionable places!

MEL: I don’t think we need to comment on every single line, guys--

QUATRE: Why not? It’s working quite well so far!

MEL: Because it’ll bore people.

WUFEI: If you cared about that, ‘Demon of Justice’ would have finished after three chapters and you wouldn’t have started any other fics.

CHRISTY: Shut up. Mel’s right; we can just note that bits of this have been reworded slightly, ‘he’ is now ‘she’ and things like that, and snip everything that doesn’t have real amusement value.

QUATRE: Oh, that’s okay then. We won’t be snipping much. The whole thing is laughable.

 

 

>>>“Damn Preventer missions are worse then being a terrorist was,” she muttered before finding her terminal and throwing herself in a chair, tossing her duffel to the ground in front of her to use as a foot rest. “Gotta use the damn lego-toy Leos instead of my ‘Hell-- when I’m _allowed_ to use suits at all--

 

 

QUATRE: See? We deleted one whole line there.

DUO: *snort* Oh, a lot got changed there. ‘Those damn dinky-toy Leos’ are now ‘the damn lego-toy Leos’, and ‘Scythe has become ‘Hell. That’s original.

WUFEI: Really, Duo, she changed more than that. She put a space in the middle of ‘footrest’.

 

 

>>>and Une’s a worse slavedriver then J and Z ever were.

 

 

EVERYONE: ......

DUO & HEERO: Who the fuck is Doctor Z?!?

LEGOLAS: Amy’s Doctor, obviously. If this follows the general run of Mary Sues, he’s probably smarter and weirder than your Doctors, in a loveable sort of way.

[Everyone else looks at him.]

LEGOLAS: There wasn’t anything good on TV last Sunday, so I surfed the net instead. There’s a lot of very bad stories out there.

 

 

>>>All I want is to get home, take a hot shower, and snuggle up with Heero in bed to sleep...

 

 

DUO: Boyfriend-stealing WITCH!

WUFEI: Unimaginative, too. She’s planning to be in bed with Heero, and all she can think of to do is sleep?

[Heero is quietly gagging again.]

 

 

>>>and I want some of Trowa’s cooking-- thank God I taught the boy how to cook or else they’d’ve starved without me around to cook,

 

 

TROWA: She taught me to cook?

QUATRE: Definitely a Mary Sue.

DUO: And what am I? Chopped liver? I can cook! Wufei can cook! Heero can produce something edible if you give him a cookbook! Quatre makes a mean cup of coffee, and he can do cereal if somebody else remembers to buy the milk! We do not need some boyfriend-stealing WITCH around to cook for us!

 

 

>>>Instead, I’m stuck in an airport, where the central heat’s on the fritz,

 

 

WUFEI: Is there really such a fundamental difference between ‘on the fritz’ and ‘on the blink’ that changing one to the other will camouflage plagiarism?

TROWA: No.

KRASHNARK: You were the one who said ‘Rampant stupidity can explain anything’.

ARDETH: Maybe she really likes the word ‘fritz’?

DUO: She should go to Germany and insult the locals, then, instead of stealing my starring role-- and my boyfriend-- in a fic where for once Mel and Christy aren’t torturing me!

 

 

>>>The loudespeaker blared on overhead,

 

 

QUATRE: That would be Ye Olde Englishe version of a loudspeaker, yes?

 

 

>>>talking in fluent Scottish.

 

 

MEL & CHRISTY: What?!

CHRISTY: Oh, come on! There is no such language!

MEL: There are Scottish people, also called Scots, and there is an alcohol called Scotch, but the official language of Scotland is English. It’s part of Great Britain, for crying out loud! Some Scots do speak a language other than English sometimes, but it’s called Gaelic.

CHRISTY: Actually, Mel, to be perfectly accurate it’s Scots-Gaelic, as distinct from the Gaelic sometimes spoken in Ireland. Far from being the official language of Scotland, it was actually banned along with the clan tartans and bagpipes when--

QUATRE: Ladies! Back on track, please! We are trying to MST this!

CHRISTY: Errrrr… okay. We’re both part Scottish, okay? We care!

MEL (quickly): Anyway even if more Scottish people speak Scots-Gaelic in the future the announcements would probably still be in English because that’s the international language of aviation and not likely to change so there.

TROWA: Seadh [1]

 

 

>>>“English, please!” Amy growled from her seat, chin resting on her chest.

 

 

CHRISTY: It would be. Nyer!

QUATRE: *ahem!*

 

 

>>>She shifted to get off the brusie that she was currently sitting on, placed non-mercifully on her behind.

 

 

DUO: She’s soooooo special, she doesn’t even get normal bruises. She gets brusies.

 

 

>>>The English followed soon after. `~We regret to inform the passengers that the 7:30 flight to San Fancisco has been delayed--~`

 

 

ARDETH: She bothered to change Stockholm to Aboyne. Why didn’t she bother to change the city Duo-- err, she-- er, whoever, was flying to?

WUFEI: She did. She isn’t flying to San Francisco; she’s flying to the exotic foreign city of San Fancisco. *snort*

 

 

>>>Not even twenty minutes later Amy had decided that Aboyne Airport was _not_ on her list of favorite places to get stuck in.

 

 

CHRISTY: Oh my god! We’ve found someone who’s less patient than Duo! He took a whole twenty minutes to decide, but she did it faster.

DUO: *snicker* Plus she’s more pessimistic than me. I have a list of places to not get stuck in. She’s so sure she’s going to get stuck a lot, she has a list of places she likes to get stuck in!

 

 

>>>luckily she found a sympathetic teen at the information desk who spoke fluent English.

 

 

MEL: Of course she did. It’s his native language!

QUATRE: Can we get off that?!

 

 

>>>“I’m sorry, Miss, but none of the cafe’s or shops open up until after seven,” the boy at the information desk told her.

 

 

ARDETH: The café’s what? Doors?

WUFEI: Is every character in this pseudo-fic going to be sex-swapped? That was a girl...

 

 

>>>“So you mean to tell me that an international airport with people coming through at all hours can’t even get a damned candy bar and a book to read!?” Amy exclaimed tiredly, throwing her arms on the edge of the desk and putting her head down on them.

 

 

KRASHNARK: Unless this world is a lot more like mine than I thought, places don’t usually want to eat candy bars and read books. According to what Duo told me, airports generally just sit there and let planes take off and land on top of them.

HEERO: That’s what happens when you take two sentences that someone else wrote, one about an airport and one about a person, and run them together to make it look more like you wrote them yourself.

TROWA: It-- and you-- look stupid.

LEGOLAS: Not to mention that it sounds like her arms and head are detachable.

 

 

>>>Amy propped her chin in her hand, trying to find something that would catch her attention. After looking around once, twice, three times, and not seeing anything but Scottish speaking people,

 

 

MEL: SCOTS-GAELIC!

CHRISTY: OR ENGLISH!

QUATRE: I give up...

 

 

>>>her eyes looked down,

 

 

LEGOLAS: All by themselves?

CHRISTY: Now you’re getting silly, Leggy.

LEGOLAS: Yes, but I’m still the prettiest.

MEL: You never should have shown him the ‘Diaries’ fanfic, Christy.

 

 

>>>and she saw the corner of a screen below her duffel.

 

 

DUO: ...it’s in the floor?! Mine was on a swivel attached to the arm of the chair!

 

 

>>>Blinking, and now curious, she used a foot and kicked the bag out of the way,

 

 

ARDETH: I’d like to know what else she could have used to kick it with.

 

 

>>>seeing a screen with a small coin slot next to it. It read something in Scottish,

 

 

CHRISTY: SCOTS-GAELIC!

MEL: OR ENGLISH!

LEGOLAS: That’s new... a literate video screen. It can read!

CHRISTY: You’re being silly again.

LEGOLAS: Still the prettiest!

 

 

>>>Amy was slumped in her chair, as far as she could go without having to loose sight of the screen on the floor,

 

 

DUO: It is on the floor! That’s dumb...

MEL: *Bzzzzzt!* Right there is one of the things that REALLY makes me twitch when I’m reading fics; ‘loose’ when the what’s really meant is ‘lose’. Some really good authors do it... and, obviously, so do some really bad ones.

CHRISTY: It only makes you twitch because you’re anal-retentive, Mel.

MEL: Yes, and? At least I admit it!

HEERO: It makes me twitch.

 

 

>>>There was one australian

 

 

MEL: Capital A on Australian, thank you very much!

 

 

>>>(whom of which she had almost falled out of her chair laughing at),

 

 

EVERYONE: ......

CHRISTY: Um... is that a new language? Some strange form of Pig Latin, perhaps?

ARDETH: What is it supposed to mean?! I recognise the words, but they don’t make sense!

QUATRE: ‘who she had almost fallen out of her chair laughing at’. I think.

ARDETH: Then why didn’t she just say that?

WUFEI: Rampant stupidity.

 

 

>>>She finally found a vending machine nearby that accually had something edible in it and then sat back, continueing to watch the documentaries while drinking some Coke and eating a candy bar.

 

 

CHRISTY: Yep, she’s now inventing new words to go with the new sentence structure she made up.

QUATRE: And we’ve found someone who eats worse food than Duo. Even when pizza doesn’t have vegetables on it, the base counts as a cereal food.

 

 

>>>Finally, Amy stumbled onto her plane and managed to sleep through most of the long flight home. Staggering off the disembarking ramp and into Heero’s arms, she got her hot shower and snuggle fest (and a bit more), and fell asleep again, curled up in a soft bed and wrapped in two strong arms.

 

 

LEGOLAS: The ramp is leaving the plane?

CHRISTY: Leggy--

LEGOLAS: I’m specialising in picking on her ambiguous phrasings, okay? And I’m still the prettiest.

DUO: Ha. Loser. She didn’t get a massage. Heero has the best hands... and she doesn’t appreciate just how nice it can be to be cosseted by two lovers.

WUFEI: Personally, I’m glad she didn’t drag me into it.

[Heero is quietly gagging again, but stops long enough to make a comment.]

HEERO: I wish she hadn’t dragged me into it... and if that was really me, instead of a delusion created by her feverish little mind, I would have dropped her on the tarmac.

 

 

>>>“Here.” Wufei handed over the tiny video camera,

 

 

WUFEI: Damn. She dragged me into it.

HEERO: At least you aren’t in her bed!

TROWA: Notice that I don’t show up in this at all, since she gave Wufei my lines.

DUO: Yeah, yeah, we all know you’re the lucky one!

 

 

>>>watching with a raised eyebrow as Amy checked the battery levels and memory capacity, snickering positivly evily as she did so.

 

 

CHRISTY: More brand-new words! I wonder what they mean?

KRASHNARK: That’s the problem with making up your own language. Other people have to guess what you mean.

HEERO: Translation: “in a completely sucky way.”

 

 

>>>“Thanks, Feifei!” Amy chirped gleefully, flicking open the little display screen and panning it from side to side, testing it. “I knew it was around here somewhere!”

 

 

WUFEI: Nobody-- but nobody-- is allowed to call me ‘Feifei’ except Duo. Nobody!

 

 

>>>“What are you going to do with it?” Wufei growled, choosing to ignore the Nickname of the Month.

 

 

WUFEI: I would not!

 

 

>>>Clicking the camera to off and folding the screen back in, Amy thought for a moment, and then nodded, seemingly decisive. “David Attenborough, I should think. He’s way more sneakier.”

 

 

KRASHNARK: This is another bit where she changed something and didn’t check to make sure it was still grammatical, right?

HEERO: Right.

ARDETH: I thought ‘more sneakier’ didn’t sound right...

DUO: That’s scary. The nomadic tribesman with English as his second language has better grammar than this girl.

 

 

>>>“Wufei? What did Amy want?” Quatre asked curiously, poking his head out of the study a moment later, spotting Amy jogging down the hall.

 

 

QUATRE: I already know what she wants. She wants Heero’s body--

HEERO: *gag*

QUATRE: --and she wants people to think she wrote this. A failure on both counts, I think.

DUO: That may be what she wants, but what she’s asking for is a kick in the teeth!

 

 

>>>***No offense meant to any Scottish readers or Aboyne Airport (if there even is one).

 

 

[Christy hauls a huge atlas out from behind the couch and drops it on Mel.]

MEL: urk!

CHRISTY: Since Aboyne is a teeny-tiny little riverside town, I doubt it!

MEL: *wheeze* Yeah! If you’re going to mention an international airport in Scotland, why not put it somewhere there already is one?

CHRISTY: Like, oh, say, Glasgow?

 

 

>>>I know there would be vendors and snack machines for coffee and drinks and stuff. The cafes and shops would’ve been closed at that time, but Amy would’ve found one of them (which she did, eventually). However...it just didn’t suit me at that time, so the vending machines and vendors...went on a break at the same time?***

 

 

DUO: She didn’t even write her own footnote. *snicker* She just rewrote Mel and Christy’s so it sounded worse.

 

 

>>>On to Episode One?

 

 

TROWA: No. You haven’t stolen it yet.

 

 

>>>Or are you going back to go and veiw my other stories while you wait for it to be posted?

 

 

WUFEI: No. What guarantees have we got that you wrote them?

 

 

>>>Or are you going to be a nice minna and reveiw? ^____^

 

 

[Everyone develops eeeeevil grins.]

HEERO (dryly): Look, Christy, she’s even inventing her own way of using Japanese words. ‘Minna’ means ‘everybody’.

DUO: Sure, I’ll be a nice everybody and review-- I'm sorry, reveiw this!

QUATRE: No, no, Duo, that’s another word she invented. For all you know it might mean ‘praise’!

MEL: I just think it’s vastly amusing that she put that in her last line... right above this.

 

 

>>>-------------------------------------------------------------

>>> [ Click here to report possible abuse to staff ]

>>>-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

CHRISTY: *snicker* Thanks to everyone who did!

MEL: Think she’ll do something like this again?

QUATRE: I certainly hope so! I wouldn’t mind doing this again!

WUFEI: It’s possible. As I said--

KRASHNARK: We know. Rampant stupidity!

 

Notes:

[1] Seadh : yes, it is so, just so. Scots-gaelic. Taken from Faclair Searchable.

To read the original fic, 'Bish Hunter Duo', written by US, click HERE!

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