a very short and silly... THING... by Mel


[Mel and Christy's house... temporarily just Christy's, because Mel is in Japan. Writing is going very slowly due to Mel's absence, and the boys are taking full advantage of it...]

WUFEI: It's much better with only one onna in the house.

DUO: I dunno, 'Fei... it might be a little too peaceful around here.

HEERO: How do you come to that conclusion?!

DUO: Okay, when Mel's here they do torture us, admittedly, but... they do some fun stuff too! I mean, Christy spends all her time gardening or poking morosely at the computer now. She hasn't taken me out shopping for weeks!

QUATRE: I think our psychological health is a little more important than your shopping trips, Duo!

DUO: I'm running out of sugar snacks. Do you still think shopping isn't important?

QUATRE: ...Maybe we can cheer Christy up if we find her some good AU fics?

TROWA: Only if they aren't Gundam Wing.

[Legolas and Ardeth haven't had their lifestyle affected by Mel's absence... well, there's less distracting heavy breathing in the background when they work out, but that's all. They're not involved in the conversation going on between the Gundam Boys, so are the first to notice when the phone rings.]

ARDETH: ...whose turn is it to get that?


ARDETH: Are you sure?

LEGOLAS: Bubblegum Crisis is on, therefore it's your turn.

[Legolas begins to sharpen an arrow meaningfully.]

ARDETH: *sigh* Understood.

[He picks up the phone.]

ARDETH: House of Bishounen Torment, Ardeth speaking. How may I help you?

[He listens for a second, then holds the handset out to Heero.]

ARDETH: It's for you.

HEERO (suspiciously): ...Moshi moshi?

MEL: <Heero. Mission.>

HEERO: NO! No way! I am not going chase some ludicrously overpowered demon for you again! Especially not now that we've finally got some time free of you!

MEL: <Oh, stop whining! I only want you to dig up a skeleton...>

HEERO: I still have the scar on my butt from when-- what?

MEL: <I want you to retrieve a bunch of dead bones. Or are you saying even that's too dangerous for you, Mister Wimpy?>

HEERO: That depends. Is this skeleton animated? A mummy? A vampire? A zombie? Possessed? Otherwise capable of ripping important bits of people's anatomy off?

MEL: <Totally inanimate. Can't do a thing to you, I swear.>

HEERO: Is it cursed?

MEL: <No.>

HEERO: In an incredibly dangerous location?

MEL: <Ummm...>

HEERO: I knew it!

MEL: <Well, it WAS somewhere dangerous, but the danger has... er... moved on.>

HEERO: Still not going to do it.

MEL: <Okay, fine then. I'm sure Duo will agree to do it if I promise to mail him some Pocky...>

HEERO: ...Ninmu ryoukai, damn it. Just tell me one thing. Why do you want a skeleton?!

MEL: <Oh, I don't want it. It's for Asuka.>

HEERO: That tells me nothing.

MEL: <Her favourite new kinky toy died.>

[The rest of the Gundam Boys have gathered around Heero by now, and he's holding the phone slightly away from his ear so they can hear.]

WUFEI: Her favourite what?!

MEL: <*sigh* There's this bad guy in Inuyasha, called Jakotsu. He's even more hentai than she is, so of course she loves him... and he just got killed. She's depressed. I want you to retrieve his corpse so I can... er... *mumble*>

DUO: So you can what?

MEL: <So I can resurrect him. I want to give him to her as a present.>

HEERO: I'm liking this mission less and less the more I hear about it...

MEL: <Hey, she's writing "Garou" and "Walking the Tightrope". You get some in those. Do you really want her so depressed she can't write?>

QUATRE: Don't listen to her, Heero! The possible problems outweigh the benefits!

HEERO: ...where's this skeleton?

MEL: <I knew I could count on you, Hee-chan!>

HEERO (sourly): Quit gloating and fax me a damn map.


[Heero and Wufei are standing outside Asuka's front door. Heero has a large wriggling bag in a headlock, just under the pretty red bow and card, and Wufei is standing as far away from him as possible, carrying a strange jointed sword over his shoulder. Both boys are dishevelled, bleeding from several small cuts, and angry-looking.]

WUFEI: Have you got a good grip on that pervert?!

HEERO: Shut up and ring the damn bell so we can get rid of him! I think he's getting his hands loose!

[Wufei pales and jabs at the doorbell just as the bag gropes Heero in the... spandex.]


[Wufei drops the sword and grabs for the bag, and a three-way wrestling match begins. In the middle of it, Asuka opens her door and peers out.]

ASUKA: Heu... qui est là? ...Hé, vous êtes Heero et Wufei et... qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?![1]

[Wufei finally manages to pry loose the bag's grip on Heero's butt and almost throws it at her.]

WUFEI: Here! Take it! It's yours!

BAG (muffled): Awww, don't be so cold... why call me 'it'?

HEERO: Because you're a walking hentai libido, not a person! (to Asuka) Keep it locked up if you don't want it killed!

[They make a strategic retreat to a safer location, AKA "run like hell". Asuka looks nervously at the squirming bag in her arms, and tentatively opens the card.]

ASUKA (reading): "To Asuka, from Mel. Cheer up... they're never dead in anime until you've seen the body ground to powder and buried with a stake through the heart, and even then you can't be sure!" De quoi parle-t-elle? Elle est folle...[2]

[Cautiously, she pulls at the bow, and the bag falls away, revealing... Jakotsu! Flashy leg-baring kimono and all <g>. There's something shining faintly at the base of his throat.]

JAKOTSU: Phew! I couldn't breathe in there! I thought I was going to die again, and believe me, that's getting kind of old. Er... say, nee-chan, did you happen to see where those cute guys went?

ASUKA: Ja-- Ja-- Ja-- Jakotsu-sensei?

JAKOTSU: Yeah, that's me... er... what do you mean, "sensei"?

[He starts edging cautiously away from her as her eyes begin to glow happily... and a little crazily.]

JAKOTSU: ...anyway, if it's all the same to you, I don't really like girls, so--


[She flings her arms around his neck and drags him inside, babbling happily.]

ASUKA: On va tellement s'amuser ensemble! Je te trouverai des mecs mignong à poursuivre, et tu pourras m'apprendre comment être correctement hentai et diabolique![4]

JAKOTSU (panicking): What?! Hey, nee-chan, I don't understand--

[The door slams closed behind them, and Heero and Wufei cautiously emerge from behind the hedge.]

HEERO: ...I'd almost feel sorry for him, if he hadn't been groping us ever since Mel told us how to revive him.

WUFEI: Not to mention trying to kill us, slice by slice. I'd say justice has been served.

HEERO: Good thing Mel also fixed it so he can't hurt Asuka. Pity she didn't think to fix it so he couldn't hurt us.

WUFEI: *snort*

[They start to walk away.]

WUFEI: So... do you think they'll work out that isn't a real Shikon shard in his neck?

HEERO: Nah. The battery should last at least fifteen years... and Mel said as long as Asuka believes in it, her faith will make it work like the real thing.



WUFEI: So... if it's her belief that makes it work... why did it work before she knew about it to believe in it?

HEERO: Don't think about it. You'll only give yourself a headache, like Quatre.

WUFEI: I think that was more from tuning in to Jakotsu's emotions after he came back to life... but you have a point.

[And Asuka and Jakotsu lived happily ever after... well, Asuka was happy ever after, and Jakotsu was happy about half the time. That's good enough, right?]


---THE END---


[1] "Um... who's there? Hey! You're Heero and Wufei and... what the hell is that?!"

[2] "What is she talking about? Crazy girl..."

[3] "YAHOO!!" (French style <g>)

[4] "We're going to have so much fun together! I'll find you cute guys to chase, and you can teach me how to be properly hentai and evil!"


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