FISH TALES 7 -- DEUS EX PISCES (GOD IN THE FISH)
Authors: Mel & Christy
Pairings: Not really applicable, unless you want the fish info :)
Disclaimer: Don't own GW or the guys... but the fish, cats and
dog are all ours!
[Onnas' house. Fish tanks everywhere. The damn things are breeding faster than the guppies, and unlike the guppies they won't eat their own offspring to keep the numbers down. Today, Krashnark is moping around the living room, sulking-- err, angsting-- err, thinking about Wufei.]
KRASHNARK: Maybe if I tried reverse psychology and pretended to lose interest in him? ...Naaah, if he believed it it'd just make him happy, and if he didn't believe it it'd just make him more suspicious of me, damn it.
[This fascinating soliloquy is interrupted by Deathscythe, stalking in followed by two whining women.]
CHRISTY: C'mon, `Scythe! Just one little `poof'! Bali is perfect this time of year!
MEL: We both need a vacation! Christy's been working her butt off, and I'm feeling healthy today. Please, `Scythe!
DEATHSCYTHE: I am not going to waste my powers on teleporting you to a tropical paradise. I'm saving them for important uses.
CHRISTY: What's more important than keeping us happy? We're your writers!
DEATHSCYTHE (dryly): Yes, you are, and I heard you having that planning session about the eventual sequel to `Alarums'.
CHRISTY: What?! It's not like Duo's gonna die! ...exactly.
DEATHSCYTHE: Only because I'm going to use my powers to keep him alive. Like I said. I'm saving myself for important things.
CHRISTY: `Scythe, you sound like an uptight virgin refusing a lecher.
MEL: It's not like we're really going to do anything to him! We're just going to write it! So there's no reason for you to hoard your powers, and you can `poof' us to Bali. Please, `Scythey-baby?
[Krashnark snaps his fingers, and the two onnas vanish in a poof of smoke. (Hence, their nickname for magical teleportation -- `poofing'.)]
DEATHSCYTHE: I hope you didn't send them to Bali. They'll never shut up if they get what they want, even just once.
KRASHNARK: Nah, I just sent them to Civic. It'll take them at least an hour to get back by bus.
DEATHSCYTHE: It gives us a break, at least. Next time, send them to Tuggeranong-- no, Queanbeyan. It's over the border into the next state, so the local bus service doesn't run there.
KRASHNARK: I'll remember that, thanks.
[Deathscythe looks at him closely.]
DEATHSCYTHE: What's the matter?
KRASHNARK (muttering): Nothing.
DEATHSCYTHE: You don't look like it's nothing.
KRASHNARK: Nothing new, anyway.
DEATHSCYTHE: Ah. I see. Wufei.
KRASHNARK: Is it that obvious?
DEATHSCYTHE: Oh, only to me. ...And the women. And the elf. And the pilots. And the Magi. And the vampire. And the youkai. And the cats. And the telepath, of course. Probably the dog. I don't think the bird's been here long enough to work out the personal dynamics in this household, but I think the fish have noticed.
[A squeaky voice from the nearest fish tank joins the conversation.]
DEATHSCYTHE-THE-GOLDFISH: **you gotta use your fins a bit more, dude! make sure your dorsal is perked up, wiggle your tail, flirt with your pectorals...**
KRASHNARK: I appreciate the advice, Deathscythe, but I don't have fins.
DEATHSCYTHE-THE-DEMIGOD: That's going to get awfully confusing, you know.
DEATHSCYTHE-THE-GOLDFISH: **well, it's not my fault mel and christy gave me your name...**
DEATHSCYTHE-THE-DEMIGOD: Duo calls you Chibi-D. Do you mind if we call you that, at least as long as I'm in the same conversation as you?
DEATHSCYTHE-THE-GOLDFISH: **duo? he's got his own name for me? cool! i knew he liked playing zoomies with me, but i didn't know about the name! yeah, chibi-d is a cool name!**
WING ZERO: **do we have to call him chibi-d too?**
KRASHNARK: It would help, thanks.
SANDROCK: **what does the d stand for? dork? dimwit? dipshit? dweeb? dumb googly-eyed freak?**
CHIBI-D: **at least i'm meant to be googly-eyed. i'm a perfect example of my breed. you're not.**
SANDROCK: **oi! what do you mean, i'm not a good example of my breed?!**
CHIBI-D: **well, judging by epyon and tallgeese, you're _way_ below average catfish i.q.!**
[Epyon and Tallgeese are snickering.]
TALLGEESE: **thanks for noticing the difference.**
WING ZERO: **anyway. why were we having this conversation?* *
CHIBI-D: **krashnark wants wufei, so i was giving him a little dating advice.**
KRASHNARK: Uh, I'm not really sure advice from fish is going to--
[From the guppy tank next door, another (disgustingly chirpy) voice joins in.]
GOKUU: **you need a prettier tail! if you want sex, you have to have a pretty tail! see, my tail is pretty!**
KRASHNARK: *sigh* For the second time, I don't have a tail!
GOKUU: **wow! no wonder you can't get any sex! you should get a tail. i have a pretty tail!**
DEATHSCYTHE (snickering): We noticed. Now shut up.
KRASHNARK: Please. I do not need dating advice from fish!
CHIBI-D: **well, that's your loss. i still think--**
[There's a commotion in the other large goldfish tank, and Chibi-D jumps to a point where he can see what's going on.]
CHIBI-D: **oi! sharna! you jerk! cut that out!**
WING ZERO: **if i was in that tank, i'd whip his tail. hey! sharna! all bullies are cowards, you know that, right?!**
KRASHNARK: Sharna?! There's a fish in there called Sharna?!
DEATHSCYTHE: He's been there all along. Didn't you know?
KRASHNARK: Wufei only fusses about this tank -- the ones named after his Gundam, you know -- so I haven't really paid attention. Sharna?!
[In the other tank, Sharna is cruising the bottom, glaring menacingly towards the piece of bogwood under which two bristlenose catfish are hiding.]
SHARNA (muttering): **stupid damn dog-youkai... ruining my rep... `small fish', my tailfin! get out here, you squashed little brats!**
TORFRAMOS: **krashnark and i are staying right where we are, you big weenie!**
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: Krashnark?! They named a fish after me? What are those onnas thinking?!
DEATHSCYTHE: Um... don't ask me, I have no idea myself. All I know is that the bristlenose catfish in this tank are named Krashnark and Torframos.
SHARNA: **i'm going to make all of you admit my superiority and recognise my sovereignty over this tank! now get out here and fight like a fish!**
KRASHNARK-THE-CATFISH: **piss off, sharna! you're not even a real fish yourself!**
TORFRAMOS: **do you think we're stupid? you're three times our size and you've got evil youkai powers!**
SHARNA: **fine. you can't stay under there for ever. i'll get back to you once i've taken care of everyone else, starting with big zechs. get your tail down here, blondie!**
BIG ZECHS: **i don't think so, sharna. i'm not going down there to where you can wedge me between the horse figure and the glass. why don't you come up here to fight, if you're so eager?**
BIG TREIZE: **one of these days mel and christy are going to catch you, you know. you'll end up just like the sucking catfish, in an isolation tank.**
LITTLE TREIZE: **maybe you'll end up with the sucking catfish!**
KRASHNARK-THE-CATFISH: **heh. that would be cool!**
SHARNA: **i'd bust their tails the way i'm going to bust yours!**
TALLGEESE: **i wouldn't count on it, slimy boy. we've got tricks we haven't shown anyone yet.**
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: Let me get this straight. A small black fish named after me, and another one named after my uncle Torframos, are being abused by an ugly low-level youkai catfish named after my brother?! That's insulting!
DEATHSCYTHE: You know, it occurs to me that almost everyone who's got a fish named after them or their Gundam is feeling either insulted or embarrassed. It could be worse, though.
DEATHSCYTHE: The onnas could have named the catfish youkai after you.
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: ...Good point. I'm still going to have to do something about this. Hey! You! Bristlenose!
[Krashnark-the-catfish and Torframos stick their noses out from underneath the wood.]
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: How would you two like to do something about your situation?
KRASHNARK-THE-CATFISH: **are you kidding?! we'd love--hang on. humans and fish can't understand each other. how come you can understand us, and vice versa?**
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: Because `Scythe and I aren't human. Now--
CHIBI-D: **hey, i should have thought of that! what are you, then?**
RASHID: **non-pointy head fins, so not elves, and no fur, so not youkai. they must be vampires, the same as spike, being not-bumpy.**
DEATHSCYTHE: No, not vampires. We're--
WING ZERO: **newts?!**
RASHID: **you just aren't going to give up on the newts, are you?**
[Krashnark-the-god sighs and snaps his fingers, and a small fire newt appears in his hand. He holds it up for Wing Zero's inspection.]
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: This is a newt. We are gods, all right? Well, he's a demigod, but close enough.
WING ZERO: **oh. ...scuttlebutt said they were bigger.**
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: It's a small specimen. Still, now you know what they look like. And we're GODS.
WING ZERO: **ah. right. how big did you say they get?**
DEATHSCYTHE: He didn't. (to Krashnark-the-god) You know, I'm getting the feeling that he'd be more impressed if we were newts...
CHIBI-D: **you're gods? really?! cool! i'm named after a god! i told you guys i was special!**
DEATHSCYTHE: Well, at least that's a more normal reaction.
SANDROCK: **can you guys get me up in that tank? i'll worship you if you do!**
CHIBI-D: **woo-hoo! named after a god! i'm special!**
NATAKU: **we're never going to hear the last of this, are we?**
SHENLONG: **i doubt it.**
[Krashnark-the-god vanishes the newt again, and glares at Sandrock.]
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: Do you honestly think we're going to put you up in that tank so that you can abuse Duo's fish? Wufei would never forgive me.
DEATHSCYTHE: And Duo would never forgive me.
SANDROCK: **um... can't blame a guy for trying, right?**
KRASHNARK & DEATHSCYTHE: Yes we can.
CHIBI-D: **what did i tell you? he's thick! and i'm special! woo-hoo!**
KRASHNARK-THE-CATFISH: **um, guys? gods? can we get back to whatever you were going to explain?**
DEATHSCYTHE: I'm waiting to find out myself.
KRASHNARK-THE-GOD: It's very simple. I'm just going to even the odds a little...
CHRISTY (flatly): Hi, honeys, we're home.
MEL (flatly): Didja miss us? --you rotten nasty buggers who teleported us to Civic WITHOUT OUR WALLETS, you jerks!
CHRISTY: We'd have been gone longer if you'd given us our wallets! We would have gone shopping! Next time, give us money if you want us gone for a while!
KRASHNARK (cheerfully): I'll bear that in mind.
MEL: Good! ...Um, why are you looking so happy?
KRASHNARK: Oh, no reason!
DEATHSCYTHE: He just got in a little vicarious brother-bashing, that's all.
CHRISTY: Um... do we really want to know?
DEATHSCYTHE: Probably not.
MEL: We'll take your word for it.
[As they do whenever they come home, the onnas start making the rounds of the tanks, checking to make sure all the fish are happy. And when they get to the bigger goldfish tank...]
CHRISTY: Mel, did you move the figurines?
MEL: No, why?
CHRISTY: Eomer and the Random Rider of Rohan are standing at the entrance to the castle, brandishing their swords. The last time I saw them, they were half-buried at the back of the castle, and I have no idea where their swords were.
MEL: Huh. Maybe Legolas set them up again.
CHRISTY: True, he has done that on occasion. I think he has a thing for Eomer.
MEL: Mmmm. Eomer...
[The onnas vague out for a second, happy hentai smiles on their faces, and then snap back into focus.]
CHRISTY: Should we get him next?
MEL: Oooh, now there's a thought. Or Haldir.
CHRISTY: Wait! (Kuno voice) We shall have them both!
MEL & CHRISTY: Heeeeeee~ero! Mission!
[Forgetting all about finishing their inspection tour, Mel and Christy bounce off to find their patsy-- err, acquisitions specialist. Krashnark and Deathscythe watch them go.]
DEATHSCYTHE: ...All right, the coast is clear. They should be arguing with the pilots for at least fifteen minutes.
KRASHNARK: That was a close one. Okay, guys, you can keep going now!
KRASHNARK-THE-CATFISH: **gotcha. sic `im!**
[The two figurines come to life and charge into the castle, waving their swords.]
SHARNA: **aagh! cut it out, you jerks! no fair!**
TORFRAMOS: **if it was fair for you to use evil youkai powers on us, it's fair for us to use borrowed godly powers on you! take it like a fish!**
[Deathscythe and Krashnark snicker as they watch the newly-made demigod-fish chivvy Sharna around the tank with the animated figurines. Chibi-D is dancing happily in his tank.]
CHIBI-D: **hahahahaha! that's way cool, dudes! now you're special, too!**
KRASHNARK: Looks like you're getting the hang of using your new powers. Just remember, if you're going to do anything blatant, wait until nobody's around to see you, okay? The middle of the night is good, so long as Spike isn't around.
KRASHNARK-THE-CATFISH: **no problem. we've already got an idea of something else to try!**
[Late that night, two tiny bristlenose catfish are floating outside the prison tank, glowing.]
KRASHNARK-THE-FISH & TORFRAMOS: **hey! sandrock! nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, we can get out of our ta~ank, you~ou ca~ant! and we didn't even have to get bitten by spike!**
[On the sofa, a large black cat lifts her head and peers in their direction.]
CEN: **...i am not seeing two fish flying, glowing, and taunting another fish. nope. isn't happening. i must have nibbled too much catnip off the bush outside...**
[She puts her head back down and goes to sleep, ignoring Sandrock's cries of frustration.]
SANDROCK: **if you aren't going to get me into that google-eyed freak's tank, you can just piss off, you bastards!**
On to Fish Tales 7.5 - Interlude
Back to the Safe House