FISH TALES 3 -- FISH STORIES
Authors: Mel & Christy
Pairings: Not really applicable, unless you want the fish info :)
Disclaimer: Don't own GW or the guys... But the fish are all ours!
[The writing room in Mel and Christy's house again, yadda yadda you know the drill by now. Comfy couch, big TV, and more fish tanks than you should shake a stick at because if you misjudge your range and break one you're as good as toast. This time Legolas is sitting on the couch watching TV as the onnas prepare to go out.]
MEL: Whatcha watching, Leggy?
LEGOLAS: Something called 'Lake Placid'. The sarcastic nameless character in the wetsuit just died screaming.
MEL: Ohhh, I love that movie! I even got it on DVD!
LEGOLAS: I know. What did you think I was using to watch it?
MEL: Sneaky. You never know, Channel 10 could have decided to play it.
CHRISTY: 'Lake Placid'? What's it about?
MEL: Giant man-eating crocodile terrorizes a lake. I cheer for the big scaly dude.
CHRISTY: Well duh! We always cheer for the man-eaters. Remember 'Deep Blue Sea'?
[They snicker evilly for a moment, then sigh happily.]
LEGOLAS: You two would scare me if I weren't so cool, calm and collected.
CHRISTY: Yeah, yeah. Hmmm... actually, Mel, is it such a good idea for him to be watching it here? What if it traumatises the fish?
MEL: Ooh. Good point. Um... no, actually, I don't remember any scenes with dead fish. Everything that gets eaten is a large mammal, so the fish shouldn't mind. Legolas might get flashbacks to the icky squid thing in Lord of the Rings, though.
CHRISTY: Ehhh, he can handle it. It's fish trauma I was worried about.
LEGOLAS (dryly): I'm touched by your concern for my mental stability. Weren't you two leaving?
[Legolas finds the movie quite interesting, though he doesn't really understand why the local law officers don't just call up a citizen's militia and lead an assault on the lake with longbows, spears and a few siege engines -- or find one hero at a loose end and point him at the problem, either would work. Partway into the movie, however, his Sensitive Elven Senses (TM) start picking up excited little whispers...]
whisper #1: **i could do that.**
whisper #2: **yeah, right. he got bitten in half, not sucked to death!**
whisper #1: **if i got big enough, i could do it. my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather got set free by his humans, so maybe he ended up in that lake and this movie is about him.**
whisper #2: *snicker* **dude, you mean he got flushed?**
whisper #3: **there was a very clear shot of teeth when that first guy got eaten, so it can't be your however-many-greats-grandfather, sandrock. give it up.**
whisper #1: **you're such a downer, rashid.**
[Another voice, rather Gollum-like, joins the conversation from the other side of the room.]
whisper #4: **i do stuff like that all the time.**
whisper #3: **you do not bite your victims in half, sharna! you only knock them off the castle.**
whisper #4: **it's not my fault they're plastic. i'd bite them in half if they were real. and whoever's doing things in that lake keeps knocking people off boats, so that's close enough.**
[Carefully, Legolas looks around... and discovers that all the fish in the tanks that have line-of-sight on the TV screen are pressed up against the front glass, watching the movie. Sharna, the (incredibly ugly) tandanus catfish in the bigger goldfish tank, is chewing absently on Eomer, one of the plastic Lord of the Rings figurines that Mel and Christy put in there for decorations.]
SHARNA: **if i just got big enough, i could do that. i don't think i'd want to do it there, though. looks too cold.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **what d'ya think is doing it, then? a really big goldfish? we get awfully big if you give us a chance, y'know, i bet a goldfish could do it.**
GOMEZ: **i say it's a koi. i was in a tank next to some koi in the fish shop, and those things get huge.**
WING ZERO: **nah, can't be a koi -- they don't have proper teeth.**
HEAVYARMS: **can't be a goldfish either, then.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **bummer! what's left, then? the trout that ate new york?**
WING ZERO: **it's a pike, i betcha. scuttlebutt around the tank rooms where i was sold said northern pike get to be five feet long, and they've got serious teeth. maybe one mutated?**
DEATHSCYTHE: **scuttlebutt? dude, your tank rooms had scuttlebutt? where did you come from, the prison ward?!**
WING ZERO: **put it this way... the marine section had a couple of wild-caught sharks, a lionfish, and fugu. besides, there were some bullhead catfish two tanks down from me, and they'd seen pike first-hand.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **whoa. dude. that is so cool. no wonder sandrock never could spook you! you were a fry delinquent!**
[Legolas watches all this with a certain level of surprise.]
LEGOLAS (quietly): It's rather like listening to the trees, only faster. ...Maybe this has something to do with why Quatre has been avoiding this room lately?
[Realising that he's missed the last several minutes of plot, he picks up the remote and skips back a bit, then settles back to keep watching. He keeps half an ear 'tuned in' to the fish conversations, though.]
NEON TETRA #1: **what happened? didn't we just see this bit?**
BUTCH: **he rewound.**
NEON #2: **wow! all hail emperor butch, he who knows what the hell is going on!**
BUTCH: **don't start that!**
SERGEI: **yes. don't.**
CARDINAL TETRA #1: **so why did he rewind?**
BUTCH: **he probably missed a bit and wanted to see it again.**
NEON #1: **dumb human!**
DEATHSCYTHE: **actually, he's not a human. that one's legolas. he's an elf.**
[There's a slight pause as many fishy little eyes swing away from the TV screen to study Legolas. Finally, Relena the guppy breaks the silence.]
RELENA: **...how do you tell the difference?**
RASHID: **it's the shape of the little fins. elves have longer, pointier ones.**
[There's another, longer pause as the fish study Legolas's superficial racial characteristics.]
NEON #3: **hmph. there's hardly any difference. human, elf, who cares? they're all bipedal mammals.**
RASHID (dryly): **I'm sure they care.**
DEATHSCYTHE (snickering): **No, no, he's got a point. There's no real difference between elves and humans... just like there's no real difference between cardinals and neons. They're all the same colour an' stuff--**
DEAFENING CHORUS: **WE ARE NOT!!!!!**
[Deathscythe sniggers happily as the cardinal and neon tetras in Butch's tank zip to opposite sides, segregating themselves.]
NEON #3: **we are not the same!**
DEATHSCYTHE: **dude, you look the same!**
CARDINAL #1: **no we don't! anyone with eyes can see the difference!**
WING ZERO: **oh? you've both got a blue stripe over a red stripe.**
NEON #2: **that doesn't mean we're the same at all! we have a sky-blue stripe on top, and our red stripe runs from tail to mid-body, blending into a sophisticated muted silver on our bellies.**
CARDINAL #3: **yes, while we have a delicate greenish tinge to our blue stripe, and our red stripes are wider and bolder, running the full length of our bodies. so you see--**
[The fish trails off and watches in horror as a neon tetra swims sheepishly out of the school of cardinals and slinks its way across to the other side of the tank.]
NEON #4: **sorry... sorry... jumped in a hurry, didn't take a proper look before i schooled...**
DEATHSCYTHE: **i'd say that makes my point. you dudes can't even tell yourselves apart!**
[Sergei is upside-down on the bottom of the tank, gurgling with laughter, and Butch seems to be hiding the betta equivalent of a smirk behind a clump of weeds.]
NEON #2: **...we're going to get you for that.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **who? me or the xenophile?** *snicker*
[Hiding a grin of his own, Legolas pauses the movie and goes to get snacks while he waits for the giant neon-cardinal free-for-all to finish.]
[Later in the movie, when the deputy-munching culprit is revealed as a huge crocodile, there's a lull in the fish-chat.]
RELENA: **...that's not a fish. not even a pike.**
SHARNA: **it's got a tail like mine. i say it's a catfish.**
BUTCH: **it's got legs! catfish don't have legs!**
SHARNA: **a mutant catfish?**
DEATHSCYTHE: **sharna ol' not-buddy, i don't think so.**
RELENA: **so what is it?**
WING ZERO: **looks like a giant newt to me.**
GOMEZ: **a newt?**
WING ZERO: **sure. they look sort of like axolotls but they've got no gills, they're green, they can go on land... it's a newt.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **really? how d'you know what newts look like?**
WING ZERO: **scuttlebutt.**
HEAVYARMS: **useful stuff, that.**
GOMEZ: **that's one scary newt...**
[Legolas starts to snicker.]
[And eventually, Mel and Christy get home.]
CHRISTY: Hi, honeys, we're ho~ome!
MEL: Didja miss us?
CHRISTY: Is it just me, or is that getting repetitive?
MEL: Eh. There's gotta be at least one constant in life here, or the general chaos overload would disintegrate the house.
CHRISTY: Wow. ...So, do you think us saying the same thing every time we come home is enough of a constant to balance the chaos and save the house from becoming a ravening tear in time and space?
MEL: Shit no.
LEGOLAS: Welcome back.
CHRISTY: Oh, hey, Leggy! Did you like the movie?
LEGOLAS: *snicker* Yes.
MEL: Excellent! How are the other guys?
LEGOLAS: Ah... I believe Heero and Trowa are still in the garage, fixing the Mallowblaster 2000 after that 'little testing accident'. Wufei and Ardeth are out back practicing. Duo, Spike and Schuldig are playing strip poker, Sesshoumaru is watching them and making sarcastic comments, Quatre is watching and trying to stop Schu from cheating too much, Krashnark and Deathscythe are doing something supernatural, and the goldfish are discussing sequel possibilities for 'Revenge of the Giant Newt'.
CHRISTY: Well, that sounds-- ohhhhh-kay... I'm now confused.
LEGOLAS: So were the goldfish when it didn't turn out to be a pike.
MEL: Giant newt? There's a giant newt?
LEGOLAS: They think so.
[Christy sidles over to the tanks and begins to peer into them.]
CHRISTY: Um... do you have any idea why all the cardinals are on one side and all the neons are on the other?
CHRISTY: Annnd... Sharna has buried Eowyn's figurine upside-down in the gravel and is chewing on her foot...
[Mel peers into Butch's tank and sees Sergei, still lying upside-down on the bottom.]
MEL: Oh no! Sergei! Is he dead?
LEGOLAS: If he is, he died very, very amused.
[Mel taps on the glass a few times, and breathes a sigh of relief when Sergei rights himself and swims off under his piece of wood, hiccupping.]
CHRISTY: Annnd... why is Sandrock hiding in the corner? He looks like he's pouting. And Deathscythe and Wing look far too smug.
LEGOLAS: Tooth envy, and scuttlebutt pride.
MEL: Okay, cut the whole 'elven inscrutability' gig and spit it out, Legolas. What's going on?
LEGOLAS: Nothing! I just watched the movie.
MEL: We are talking about the same movie you were watching when we left, yes? 'Lake Placid'?
MEL: Giant man-eating crocodile?
LEGOLAS (mutters): Newt! *snicker*
CHRISTY: And you're sure the fish weren't traumatised?!
LEGOLAS: Not in any way you were expecting, no. *snicker* Though I think Sandrock will be better behaved now that he knows that Wing Zero grew up on the wrong side of the tank ornaments.
[Legolas is smiling openly, obviously enjoying confusing the hell out of the onnas for once.]
LEGOLAS: He was a juvenile delinquent. Well, fry delinquent, since he's a fish. I think he spent time in the aquatic equivalent of... what's it called? Reform school?
[Mel and Christy look at each other, boggled.]
MEL: I think we need to explore Wufei's theory that something's in the water.
MEL: Could be.
CHRISTY: Think it's going to affect us?
MEL: How would we tell?
CHRISTY: Point. Good point.
[Behind them, Legolas walks over to the DVD shelf and starts flicking through the contents. Pulling out 'Deep Blue Sea', he lifts an eyebrow at the picture of the giant shark on the cover, then walks over to one of the tanks and shows it to Deathscythe and Wing Zero.]
LEGOLAS: What do you guys think?
On to Fish Tales 4 - Spike
Back to the Safe House